Fanatic: Final Fantasy VII
by Tifa Gainsborough
Summary: Fans interview their favorite FFVII characters. Watch the madness unfold before your very eyes. Reviews are greatly welcomed! New Chapter: Elena
1. Fanatic: Sephiroth

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Fanatic: Sephiroth

By: Tifa Gainsborough

A/N: All actions are in bold! Hahahahaha! Prepare for the madness!

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The scene is of a beautiful beach. The camera pans the beach taking in pictures of scantly clad men and woman. The camera focuses in on Tifa Gainsborough. She is standing by the waters edge wearing a pair of skimpy little shorts and a tight red tank top that reads 'To hot for you' over her ample chest. She has a pair of dark sunglasses on and is sipping a lemonade

Tifa G: Welcome to Fanatic. I'm your host Tifa Gainsborough. Today we are coming to you from the sunny shore of Costa del Sol! On today's show Sephiroth's Angel will be interviewing Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII. Let's go get the lucky girl now.

****

Tifa G walks slightly into the water and waves madly. A woman swimming notices the madly waving woman and swims over.

Woman: Yes?

Tifa G: Angel?

Woman: Yes.

Tifa G: Angel you have been chosen by MTV to interview Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII!

Angel: WAAHOO!!!! **begins to jump up and down erratically, splashing Tifa G**

Tifa G: Come on, let's go!

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First Impressions

Angel: This is going to be great! I love Sephiroth, he is just so sexy. I hope he likes the questions I picked out. It took be forever! I wonder if he will let me feel his hair? Oh the joy it would be just to touch him…. **Begins to drool**

Sephiroth: I am the all mighty Sephiroth. If this fan is unworthy of calling themselves a Sephiroth fan I shall have to dispose of them. No one shall escape the awesome power that is Sephiroth. **He pulls out his Masamune and begins to stroke it lovingly**

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Sephiroth is sitting in a chair on the beach under a large umbrella. He is dressed in his normal attire even though the temperature is somewhere in the eighties range.

Tifa G: Now remember never make direct eye contact. Also do not attempt to touch his sword at any costs. **Tifa G has a large red welt on her shoulder from where Sephiroth hit her after she attempted to touch his sword**

Angel: I got it.

****

Angel strolls out onto the sand and walks up to Sephiroth

Angel: Hi!

****

Sephiroth merely nods and Angel takes a seat

Angel: So, Sephi, are you a big fan of water? Preferably chlorinated water.

Sephiroth: First never address me in such a childish form as 'Sephi.' My name is Sephiroth and no I do not like water. I have bad memories of water. **He shudders visibly**

Angel: All right…. Do you have sexy nipples? **Tifa G face vaults** Cause Gary does.

Sephiroth **he is rather puzzled by the question**: I do not have as you call it sexy nipples. My nipples are normal. And if you would be so kind as to direct me in the direction of this Gary, he now has a 5 o'clock appointment with Masamune. 

Angel: Ok…next question. Do you do butterfly's or breasts?

Sephiroth: I DO NOT HAVE BREASTS!!! **He jumps out of the chair swinging Masamune dangerously close to Angel's head**

Tifa G: SECURITY!!! Please remove Sephiroth of his Masamune.

Sephiroth: Do and DIE!! **He gives an evil laugh**

Angel: May I continue?

Tifa G: Yes…. Just make sure he understands the questions.

Angel: Gotcha… What's going through that white, pointy… I mean lovely little head of yours right now?

Sephiroth: Whether I should stab or slice Tifa Gainsborough into little pieces.

Angel: Oh…I like the slicing idea.

Sephiroth: It shall be done.

Angel: Ok…just a few more questions. Do you think there should be a "Sephiroth has sex with Angel" Day?

Sephiroth: Why not. **Angel does a little happy dance**

Angel: Do you have a life outside of killing and being an ass?

Sephiroth: I do flower arraignments. I have a lovely idea for the grave of Tifa Gainsborough after I slice her to small unrecognizable pieces.

Angel: Did you just say 'lovely'?

Sephiroth **growling**: Next question!

Angel: Are you really psycho? Or does someone really hate you and said that just to start a rumor?

Sephiroth: You shall not speak of mother that way!

Angel: I never mentioned your mother!

Sephiroth: It's all little soldier boys doing!

Angel: You mean… **Tifa G is making wildly slashing motions across her throat** Cloud?

Sephiroth: I loathe the name! **Evil laugh again** I shall kill the one name CLOUD!!!!

Angel: Alrighty then. Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Or are you a commando type of guy?

Sephiroth: Commando. **Angel smiles wickedly**

Angel: Do you ever trip over your cape when the wind's blowing?

Sephiroth: I have been known to make the occasional trip to the ground every once in awhile.

Angel: Did he just say what I think he said? **She turns to look at Tifa G. Only to find the woman is gone** Where'd she go?

Angel: Ok…last questions. Did you get into a fight with a bad bleach bottle?

Sephiroth: It is all natural. Are we finished with the questions?

Angel: Yes…may I have a hug?

Sephiroth: Oh I don't see why not. **He gives Angel a hug**

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Second Impressions

Angel: Sephiroth is such a great man! He's so cool! He goes commando!!! Just like I like-em! He doesn't like water though…that's such a shame. I should probably warn Gary that Sephiroth is after him.

****

The camera focuses in on Sephiroth's room only to find it empty.

Director: Where did he go?

****

Tifa G comes running in decked out in fatigues. She has assorted weapons attached to her clothes. Death Penalty hangs from her belt, and Limited Moon in wove into her hair. She's wearing the Premium Heart gloves and the Conformer also hangs from her belt. She holds Venus Gospel in one hand and the Princess Guard in the other. Ultima Weapon is hanging from its sheath on her back

Tifa G: Where is he?

Director: That's a lot of weapons.

Tifa G: He's out there! **Angel skips in**

Angel: Has anybody seen my Sephi-pooh!

Tifa G: No…thankfully! And here I thought nothing could be worse than last week's episode. Guess I was wrong. Stay tuned for…. **the screen goes black**

Sephiroth: DIE!!!!

****

Tifa Gainsborough's shriek can be heard then the sound of crashing furniture and doors slamming shut

Sephiroth: Come back here!

Angel: Tune in next time to see if Tifa Gainsborough survives her encounter with Sephi-poohs sword!

Sephiroth: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

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Authors Note: Pure madness I tell you, pure madness. I wrote this fanatic episode for my friend Sephiroth's Angel. If you want to know about the sexy nipples…. its best just not to ask. I didn't ask, so you shouldn't either. If you think I should write another 

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Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII does not belong to me. If they did I would be a rich little brat, but I'm not. Only done for pure silliness. 


	2. Fanatic: Rufus Shinra

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Fanatic: Rufus Shinra

By: Tifa Gainsborough

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A black screen fades away to reveal Tifa Gainsborough standing in front of a giant barn. She is wearing a plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves under overalls. With wide eyes she watches five cows walk in a straight line in front of her. A man with spiky blonde hair waves to the camera as he passes, herding his cows along.

Off camera: Psst… Teef your on!

Tifa G **looks up**: Oh hello! Welcome to Fanatic, I'm your host Tifa Gainsborough. Today we are at a fair…. **leans out of camera view and whispers** Why a fair?

Off camera person: Budget Cuts.

Tifa G: Damn…. **back on camera again** Yes we are coming to you from a fair. Today Casey Crystal will be interviewing every body's favorite Shinra Pin-Up boy, Rufus Shinra. Lets go get the lucky girl now.

****

Tifa G walks away from the barn, leaping out of the way of a stampeding herd of goats, directly into the path of some horses. With a shriek, she grabs onto the horses neck.

Tifa G: Somebody save me!!!

Off camera person: Just let go!

  
Tifa G: I want my mommy! Why isn't anybody helping me? **the horse throws its head back, tossing Tifa G off. Jumping to her feet, she brushes herself off and resumes walking. **Nice recovery.

Tifa G **talking to off camera person**: Can we really get Rufus to appear at a fair?

Off camera person: Who knows. We'll see though.

Continuing to walk towards the sound of rides Tifa G freezes and peers down. Lifting her right foot, she examines the bottom of her shoe.

Tifa G: Oh…shit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Standing in a long line to a ride called the [Insert Scary Ride Name Here] is a girl shoving her way to the front

Girl: Outta the way! I'm comin through!

Tifa G: Casey Crystal?

Girl: What? I didn't do it! You can't prove anything, I plead the 5th!

Tifa G: I'm with Fanatic and you have been chosen to interview Rufus Shinra!

Casey: YAHOO!! I get to meet Rufus and ride in a limo!

Tifa G: Er…well half of that is true.

Casey: No Rufus?

Tifa G: No limo, sorry.

Casey:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO **passes out from lack of oxygen**

Tifa G: Um… **turns to camera** We will be right back with this word from…

Sephiroth: There you are!

Tifa G: EEP! **grabs Casey and makes a fast break for it. **I don't wanna die!

Sephiroth **turning to the camera**: Take a hike. **destroys the camera and camera-man with Meteor **

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First Impressions 

Casey: I'm going to get to meet my Ruffie! What a happy day it is. I'll get his autograph, and a lock of his hair, and his jacket. I'll be able to touch him and just be near him. OH BOY!! I'm so excited. **hums the Rufus Welcoming theme under her breath.**

Rufus: **staring at a spiky haired man trying to fight a pig into a pen** This is degrading. I'm at a fair, near livestock. Livestock that I eat no less! **spiky hears Rufus' comment and burst into tears, hugs his pig.** But I suppose meeting one of my fans shall be worth it. I have so many adoring fans. Tseng!

Tseng: Yes sir! **Tseng is sweltering in the hot weather in his Turks suit**

Rufus: How many fan letters did I receive yesterday?

Tseng: One-hundred and twenty-six.

Rufus: Excellent. Oh and Tseng.

Tseng: **pulling at his tie** Yes sir?

Rufus: Where are the rest of the Turks?

Tseng nods towards Reno who is currently racing on a pig through the food area. Rude and Elena are chasing after the red haired Turk

Tifa G: Hate to burst this up but we need to… Is that Reno?

Tseng: Yes.

Tifa G: Why isn't he wearing anything?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The new camera focuses on Rufus, sitting at a table eating curly fries, surrounded by a large amount of girls.

Casey: What are those girls doing by my Rufus?

Tifa G: Uh… Got your questions ready?

Casey: **waves her clipboard over her head** Ready!

Casey walks over to the table, the group of girls staring daggers at her.

Casey: Hiya Rufus!

Rufus: Hello. **Rufus waves to a chair and Casey swoons into it.**

Casey: Directed by my Ruffie…. **Sigh**

Rufus: You are my adoring fan?

Casey: Adoring…. Yes that would be me.

Rufus: Are you the one that hangs outside my door every morning with that other one?

Tifa G whistles off camera finding her shoelaces very interesting all of a sudden.

Casey: Uh... Hehe… First question! What's the difference between being the Vice President of Shinra and President of Shinra?

Rufus: More fans. More power. More speeches! I just love making speeches. 

Casey: Yes now. Next question. There better not be anything between you and Scarlet. IS there anything between you and Scarlet?

Rufus: Scarlet? She would screw a door handle if she could. **flips his hair back and every woman within seeing distance sighs.**

Casey: I take that as a no. **wipes the drool from the corner of her lip.**

Rufus: Next question.

Casey: Why the white outfit?

Rufus looks down, his face turning an interesting shade of pink

Casey: Well?

Rufus: Mymompicksoutmyoutfits. 

Casey: What did you say?

Fangirl in crowd: He says his mo…

The poor fangirl meets an untimely end when Rufus fires his shotgun. The groups of girls quickly fall silent.

Rufus: Next person to speak anything bad… **pumps shotgun.**

Casey: O-kay. Boxers or briefs? **Casey snickers.**

Tifa G: Oh jeez… Not that question again. **gets wide eyes as Rufus points the gun in her direction.** Oops, sorry.

Rufus: Boxers.

Casey: I knew it! If you could go out with any one of the Final Fantasy 7 girls, who would be your pick and why?

Rufus: Tifa. No explanation needed.

Casey: Should have known. Will you marry me?

Rufus: No.

Casey: Why not?

Rufus: Because I said no.

Casey: Don't you love me?

Rufus: I suppose in that platonic stalked loves the stalker sort of way.

Casey: Wha?

Rufus: No.

Casey: Do you know what this is? **Casey holds up a length of rope.**

Rufus: You wouldn't dare.

Casey: What do you think of me tying you up and keeping you all to myself? **Casey is grinning madly. **I have a wonderful closet with your name all over it!

Rufus: Let me guess, I don't get a say, do I?

Casey: Nope! **tackles Rufus and ties him up** **and drags him off to ride the rides with her.**

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Second Impressions 

Casey: I just love my Rufus! **hugs her tied up Rufus. **We are going to be together for such a long time! Because I simply love my Ruffie, he is so adorable! 

Rufus: Somebody will die for this. Or at least somebody will suffer dearly. Yes Tifa G, I am talking about you. You have made a powerful enemy in me. You will regret the day that you cros-

Casey: SPEECHES! I love you when you make speeches. Especially about killing people. **hugs Rufus tightly.**

Reno staggers over having found a pair of pants

Reno: That was a great ride! Lets do it again! **passes out at Rufus' feet**

Tifa G: Rufus, your Turks are worthless! What do you have to say for yourself?

Rufus: **stares down at the ropes**. I hate you. 

Sephiroth: I second that!

Tifa G: Crap! 

Sephiroth grabs Tifa G and drags her off to ride the rides at the fair.

Tifa G: NOOOOO!!!! Not the Sea Dragon! Anything but that! Please Sephiroth, I will do anything!

Sephiroth: Yes, the Sea Dragon!

Tifa G: I'll hurl! I'll hurl all over your jacket. I swear! No! Why won't somebody help me? Casey, please help me!

Casey: Oh… Rides, lets go ride the rides Rufus! **drags her tied up Rufus to the rides**

Reno looks up, his face covered in straw.

Reno **singing as the scene fades to black**: Our state fair is a great state fair, don't miss it don't even be late….

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Authors Note: Fair rides…icky! I hate fair rides. Wanna interview your favorite FF7 character? E-mail me. Spiky boy was Cloud? Yes, yes he was.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and characters are copyrighted by Squaresoft. Casey Crystal belongs to Casey Crystal.

Review, you know you wanna


	3. Fanatic: Zack

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Fanatic: Zack

By: Tifa Gainsborough

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The scene opens to the Gold Saucer; the ride thingy that brings you to the actual park pulls up. People file out and a person in a Chocobo costume comes to greet them. The people run away really fast as the Chocobo beings to yell and shake their fist at them. The Chocobo turns and it is revealed to be Tifa Gainsborough now with short hair.

Tifa G: Hi everybody! Welcome to Fanatic, everybody knows I'm your host Tifa Gainsborough. If you don't know, I worry about you. You know it now right? No? THEN GET OUT! Wait, please don't leave me! I love you all! Please come back… I need friends.

****

Sniffling, she begins to cry sadly into her feathery sleeves. Daze Riot wanders over, comes up to Tifa G and gives her a hug. Squealing happily, she glomps him right off the ledge. Flushing crimson, she turns to the camera.

Tifa G: He'll be okay. Today we are coming to you from the Gold Saucer.

Little Kid #1: You're stupid looking!

Little Kid #2: Yeah! Ugly old lady.

Tifa G: **her face contorts with anger** What did you just say?

Little Kid #1: Ugly! **kicks Tifa G in the shin.**

Tifa G: **hoping up and down while the two kids laugh** Note to self, throw brat kids off the side of the Gold Saucer. As I was trying to say, today Wingeninqita….

Director: What now?

Tifa G: She's interviewed my Zack!

Director: I think I see Sephiroth!

Tifa G: Eep! On today's show Wingeninqita will be interviewing Zack. **runs like hell.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Large groups of people are gathered around the Mog house game. A girl is madly feeding her Mog one too many nuts hoping to make it explode. Tifa G wanders up having ditched the Chocobo costume, still being followed by the two kids.

Wingeninqita: Die you stupid Mog!

Tifa G: Wingeninqita?

Wingeninqita: **turns** Yeah?

Tifa G: You have been chosen to interview…. **stops at the sound of a small explosion emitting from the game.**

Wingeninqita: **turns just in time to see Mog's body parts flying across the screen** Damn! **wades out of the crowd to join Tifa G** You were saying?

Tifa G: Right, you have been chosen to interview Zack from Final Fantasy VII. 

Wingeninqita **stares blankly.**

Ten Minutes Later

Wingeninqita: WAAHOO!!!!

Tifa G: Let's go.

Little Kid #1: Tifa G is a fat git!

Little Kid #2 trips Tifa G and she falls flat on her face, everybody laughs.

Tifa G: I hate kids…

~*~*~*~*~*

First Impressions

Wingeninqita: I get to meet Zack, the best character in the entire world! I can ask him all my questions, and then tie him up and take him home with me…. **stares at the camera** Is that thing on?

Camera Man: Yes. **gulps remembering the fate of the last camera man.**

Wingeninqita: **searching through dimensional pocket** Now where did I put that thing?

Camera Man runs screaming from the room at top speed.

Wingeninqita: Ah-Ha! **pulls out clipboard with questions** Hey, where did the camera man go?

Zack: I can't wait to meet my fan. It's about time that I got appreciated. So many new adoring fans are discovering what a wonderfully sexy person I am. **sees camera man run by** What is his problem?

****

A few seconds later, Tifa G is seen rushing after him.

Tifa G: I want you to be my friend! Don't run away from me!

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tifa G and Wingeninqita are waiting in the Gondola section of the Gold Saucer. The two little kids are milling around throwing insults every two minutes. The Gondola pulls to a stop and the door open's to reveal Zack.

Tifa G: Now feel free to ride the ride as many times as you want to get all the questions answered. **waves to Zack. **Hi Zack!

Zack: Hop on in pretty lady **gives a sexy grin.**

Wingeninqita happily jumps into the Gondola and Tifa G watches as it slowly pulls away from the station.

Tifa G: Lucky…

Meanwhile in the Gondola Wingeninqita is staring with sappy eyes across the seat at Zack who is still grinning.

Wingeninqita: First question, do you know how cool you are?

Zack: **tosses his hair and winks** Oh I know.

Wingeninqita: How come you didn't get have more screen time? Not even an FMV!

Zack: You see, they thought the viewers would get Cloud and me mixed up. So they kept my screen time down to a minimum. It sucked in my opinion.

Wingeninqita: Agreed. **waves to Tifa G who is getting kicked around my the two kids as they pass the station.** What was it like working with Sephiroth in SOLDIER?

Zack: Sephiroth and I were kinda close, but it's hard to get close to the guy. He's a workaholic, but I feel kinda bad for him, considering how he turned out. He was always the fun one to tease. Come to think of it, I still haven't found what he did with those CD's I accidentally threw at him one day.

Wingeninqita: Sounds like he was tough to get along with. Okay, what was your best/worst/most embarrassing experience working for Shinra?

Zack: **turns beet red** I set fire to Sephiroth's jacket during a mission. Don't ask how, I think he's still angry about it. My best? I suppose getting into SOLDIER was a good experience. Worst? Getting chosen for that stupid Nibelhiem mission. I know Hojo was behind it.

Wingeninqita: What was it like, five years in a jar with only Cloud and Hojo for company?

Zack: I really hated that time of my life. Didn't know if I would live or die. It's not fun having to be stuck with Hojo, he kept talking about his dolls and stuff like that.

Wingeninqita: Hojo had dolls?

Zack: Yeah, he even had mock house one day. He was one cracked loon.

Wingeninqita: How do you feel about Cloud these days. I mean, he did kinda abandon you and steal your life for a while. Are you two okay?

Zack: Yeah, Cloud and I are cool about things. Besides, I guess it kinda kept me alive in spirit. Made me feel happy that Cloud wanted to be like me even after I died.

Wingeninqita: Isn't that at tad… morbid?

Zack: A tad? That ranges in the beyond morbid section. Let's move on shall we. **laughs at Tifa G who is running around the station screaming as the two kids chase her on Chocobo's.**

Wingeninqita: So, um… You're not still with Aeris, right? Right? Please say no. Cuz if you're not…

Zack: Rissy and I are just friends.

Wingeninqita breaths a sigh of relief.

Wingeninqita: I can't break tradition. Boxers or Briefs?

Zack: Ah… the question. Boxers.

Wingeninqita tries to do a victory dance but hits her head of the roof.

Wingeninqita: Damn roof. So what's next for the great Zack?

Zack: The great Zack? I like the ring of that. I don't really know, probably play a few games, resume being dead.

Wingeninqita: Are you doing anything after the episode?

Zack: **winks** You'll see.

Ten rides later the Gondola comes to a stop. Wingeninqita steps out with a funny lopsided grin on her face. Zack emerges next a content look on his face. Tifa G jumps up from behind her hiding place.

Tifa G: Second impressions?

Wingeninqita: **puts one hand on Tifa G's shoulder and give a hearty smile** I love Gondola rides.

Zack: I have wonderful fans. Card games just aren't the same without great people to play them with.

Zack and Wingeninqita head off towards the game area and Tifa G stares at their retreating back.

Tifa G: Just cards right!

Zack: **Throws a wicked grin over his shoulder** Just cards darlin.

Tifa G: Oh… Can I play cards too?

Little Kid #1: You're still ugly!

Little Kid #2: And still fat!

Tifa G: Now listen up you little punks… Oh hi Sephiroth!

Sephiroth swoops down from the sky.

Sephiroth: I have come to destroy you, prepare to be mutilated by tacks!

Little Kid #1: Who are you mister?

Sephiroth: I am the great Sephiroth!

Little Kid #2: You're ugly.

Sephiroth: Excuse me.

Little Kid #1: Loser, big fat loser!

Sephiroth shows the two kids what Meteor is all about and turns to Tifa G, tack in hand.

Tifa G: What happened to your jacket.

Sephiroth looks at his burnt jacket and Tifa G makes a fast break.

Tifa G: Zack! Wingeninqita! Wait for me!!!! **scene fades to black.**

~*~*~*~*~

Authors Note: I really do like kids and Mog's. I don't know what Wingeninqita thinks about Mogs. That was just for fun. Hope you enjoyed. Everybody belongs to their respected owners.


	4. Fanatic: Reno

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Fanatic: Reno

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

The camera sweeps over the giant Shinra building in Midgar. It then does that cool thing where it zooms in on a window and is suddenly inside. The camera focuses on a poster on a wall.

WANTED 

__

Tifa Gainsborough

Considered armed and crazy

Dead or Alive

Report any sightings to Rufus Shinra

****

The scene fades to black and opens on a street in the slums of Midgar. Tifa Gainsborough is standing on the sidewalk staring at a Wanted poster somebody just posted.

Tifa G: CRAZY!!!! I'll show you crazy! **blows up the poster with a rocket launcher.**

Director: TIFA G! That's the third thing you've blown up. Next time we are taking it out of your salary.

Tifa G: What salary? I'm a poor fanfiction writer!

Director: Just do the show.

Tifa G: Welcome to fanatic, which is currently being run by a poor fanfiction writer that is getting NO SALARY!!!! **Coughs** Now then, on today's episode Lila will be interviewing Reno from the Turks. Lets go get her now.

****

Tifa G heads over to a large building and cautiously knocks on the door. Her eyes widen at the sign "BEWARE! Insanity on the lose".

Lila: **throws door open** CHICKEN!

Tifa G: What?

Lila: Hi! **hugs Tifa G** Are you hear about the chickens?

Tifa G: Uh… not exactly. I'm here to tell you that you have been chosen to interview Reno of the Turks.

Lila: Reno… Do I get a limo?

Tifa G: **checks budget** Maybe…

****

Lila break dance's across the street and knocks an old lady over.

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The scene is a trendy nightclub called "Dancing Angel". A long line is wrapped around a couple blocks. A big scary looking guy is at the door, throwing people into outer space. A limo pulls up and Tifa G and Lila step out, dressed in the latest fashion. Tifa G has a slight problem and tumbles over, giving everybody a wide view. Jumping to her feet, she gives a special smile. 

Tifa G: Is this club owned by Shinra?

Big Scary Looking Guy: **grunts**

Tifa G: I'll take that as a yes. I'm with fanatic, here to interview Reno.

****

Big Scary Looking Guy consults a long, long, LONG list. He looks up, looks back to the list, looks at a WANTED poster, then back to the list.

Big Scary Looking Guy: You're not on the list.

Tifa G: What! I'm Tifa Gainsborough! I'm on every Shinra list known to man!

Big Scary Looking Guy: I don't care.

Lila: RENO!!!! **punt kicks Big Scary Looking Guy into outer space.**

They both watch Big Scary Looking Guy soar across the sky and enter the club. Inside the club, people are everywhere. Casey Crystal is dancing around Rufus on the dance floor. Kat_Aclysm is trying to keep Sephiroth from murdering somebody that spilled his drink over his jacket. Wingeninqita and Zack are harassing a Mog that got into the club. Kinneas is trying to get a spotlight to shine on Vincent but he keeps moving.

Tifa G: Let's go!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

First Impression

Lila: **chanting** Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, Reno, RENO!

Reno: **sitting at a bar **This alcohol is really good here. **looks at camera** Oh right, I can't wait to meet my fan. I just hope she doesn't try to tie me up like Rufus' fan did. I wonder if she will buy me a drink?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tifa G: Got your questions?

Lila: YES! RENO!!!!

****

Tifa G waves her off as Rufus spots her, heading in her direction with his shotgun. Lila races over to Reno and Tifa G races for the door.

Lila: **walks over and shoves a woman off a stool and sits next to Reno** Hi Reno!

Reno: **salutes with his drink **Hi.

Lila: I'm Lila and I'm your BIGGEST fan!

Reno: I'm Reno and I'm REALLY drunk!

Lila: Is your hair dyed or natural?

Reno: **grabs his hair **It's natural, fire red. No matter what the debates say!

Lila: **giggles **I love your hair. Okay, is there something going on between you and Yuffie? Or is that all a rumor?

Reno: I don't kiss and tell. But there was this one time when Yuffie came over late at night and whoa… did that get hot.

Lila: Um… Damn! What did you mean by "We're still victorious" when you ran away?

Reno: I dunno. Sounded like a cool thing. Come to think of it, I might have been drunk. I usually am drunk. So often in fact, I have forgotten when I'm not drunk.

Lila: What do you like best in a girl?

Reno: Oh tons of things. Nice eyes, pretty smile, good personality, good figure, strong personality… **ten minutes later **Should have her own place. Good speaker and knows where to buy me the best alcohol.

Lila: **Looks up from her notebook from where she was taking notes and smiles** Interesting. Boxers or briefs?

Reno: What?

Lila: C'mon, boxers or briefs?

Reno: **Grabs his pants and looks down **Would you look at that. I put on briefs this morning.

Lila: Very cool. What's your favorite word?

Reno: **holds his tenth glass of alcohol up **Alcohol… **gives dumb grin.**

Lila: Why am I not surprised. If you could do anything in the world to Elena, what would you do?

Reno: **staring intently at Lila's face **You're hot!

Lila: Thanks! But what about the answer?

Reno: I'd give her a… **whispers in Lila's ear.**

Lila: Whoa! Is Rufus fun to work for?

Reno: Rufus has a rod up his ass, bastard always pushing me… **a bottle of beer in front of Reno explodes **Damn, exploding beer bottles, I gotta get me some of these.

Lila: Do you like me?

Reno: **starts on his twelfth glass **You're hot!

Lila: When can we get married?

Reno: I'm already married.

Lila: WHAT!!!

Reno: Oops… I wasn't supposed to say anything.

Lila: Your… **stutters **M-M-Married?

****

Yuffie appears at Reno's side looking very scary.

Lila: Yuffie!

Reno: How did you know! I swear I haven't told anybody… **gulps loudly **She's standing right behind me isn't she.

****

Lila nods and Yuffie tries to force-feed her fist down Reno's throat.

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Lila: He's married… MARRIED! MARRIED! To Yuffie, I can't believe my man, MY MAN, is married to that ninja! I have a cunning plan to break them up! Or at least to make him pay.

Reno: Listen babe, I'm sorry! She's just a really nice fan, and I think I was drunk and it got all carried away!

Yuffie: Don't you dare babe me buddy! I just found these pictures! You've been telling everybody.

****

Yuffie shoves pictures under Reno's nose. Reno looks them over.

Reno: Damn, I forget how flexible I can be!

Yuffie: AHHHHH!! **kicks Reno out of the room and he sails through the air and lands at Lila's feet.**

Lila: RENO!!!! **handcuffs Reno to herself and drags him out onto the dance floor.**

~*~*~*~*~*~

Tifa G: Listen Rufus let's be reasonable.

****

Rufus give a manic laugh and fires his shotgun, hitting the wall next to Tifa G's head.

Tifa G: Okay, maybe not! **Runs** First Sephiroth now Rufus…. I hate this show!

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Here's another one! This time the loveable Reno. Still asking for more people for interviews. Everybody but Sephiroth, Reno, Zack, and Rufus are open. Everything belongs to their respected owner, Lila belongs to Lila.


	5. Fanatic: Don Corneo

****

Fanatic: Don Corneo

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

A camera swoops through the sky and zooms in on a girl standing on a corner street. She's dressed in a black micro mini and a sparkling backless top. Turning to the camera it's Tifa Gainsborough, makeup bordering on street hooker.

Tifa Gainsborough: Welcome to fanatic I'm your host Tifa Gainsborough.

Dude: You're hot!

Tifa G: Kiss my ass!

Dude: Kinky!

Tifa G: Jerk. As I was saying, welcome to fanatic. Today one lucky girl will get to interview their favorite Final Fantasy VII character. On today's show Lara will be interviewing…

Director: Now what!

Tifa G: **shudders** Don Corneo. Let's go get the lucky girl.

****

Tifa G walks off nearly falling over from her four-inch stilettos.

Tifa G: How did I ever let them talk me into this outfit?

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Tifa G is standing in front a building that looks very similar to the building that Lila was at. Having dug up her courage and a long black trench coat Tifa G knocks on the door.

Lara: Welcome to my humble domain, now go away!

Tifa G: Lara I'm here with fanatic.

Lara: I made it on the show!

Tifa G: That's right, you are interviewing Don Corneo.

Lara: **gasp** The Don! I need to get my sexy outfit. **Slams the door in Tifa G's face**.

Tifa G: This show is going to kill me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

In Wall Market a brand new strip club is bustling with activity. Tifa G and Lara stand outside. Lara is dancing from one foot to the next; Tifa G is trying to fight off three guys that are getting too close to them.

Lara: It's so awesome!

Tifa G: Lets go inside.

****

They head inside, only to find it much worse. Hormone crazed men are everywhere and a very familiar looking woman is dancing on the stage.

Lara: Is that Scarlet?

Tifa G: Well I'll be damned… No maybe not, I always knew this was her night job.

Hormone crazed man: Hey you sexy ladies, sugar daddy is waiting.

Lara: Don, where?

Tifa G: I think I'm going to be sick.

Bouncer dude: The Don will see you in a few.

Tifa G: Thank heavens.

Bouncer dude: Not you, just her. A guy at the bar wants to talk to you.

Tifa G: **turns to the bar** Oh no.

Rufus: **gently stroking his shotgun ***whaps audience, not that shotgun you sickos!* Long time no see.

Lara: **points and laughs** Rufus hangs out in a strip club! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Rufus: Grrrrr….

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions 

Lara: The Don is just so sexy! I can't wait to finally get to meet him. I have got all these great questions. He's such a great man, I just can't wait to meet him!

Don: I've got sexy fans. Sexy female fans. Oh, I'm gonna get some sexy lovin tonight. **does his hip thrust thing**

~*~*~*~*~*~

Tifa G: You have all your questions?

Lara: Oh yeah.

Tifa G: Good luck, I'm going to be in the bathroom for the remainder of the show.

****

Lara walks to the door of Don's bedroom and pushes it open. Don is waiting for her, sprawled on the sheets. Lara fans herself and takes a seat. 

Lara: Hello Don!

Don: Oh a straight forward woman. I like that!

Lara: Do you choose to be naturally horny?

Don: **does his hip thrust thing** It's a gift.

Lara: Oh behave Don. Besides… well, YOU know… what else do you do for fun?

Don: I collect woman's lingerie. 

Lara: Very interesting. What was the point of falling off that cliff?

Don: It was an accident. Those damn twerps showed up and tried to steal my women.

Lara: Poor Don. Are you really as old as people say you are?

Don: No.

Lara: Really?

Don: Really.

Lara: Really?

Don: Really. You want me to show you what this young man can do. **Does hip thrusts again.**

Lara: Later. What would you do if Tifa really smashed them off?

Don: I have fingers.

Lara: Uh… that's nice. Which chicky do you like best?

Don: I like you the best.

Lara: I'm flattered. Ok, I have to know. Boxers or briefs?

Don: Sparkling bikinis. 

Lara: **fans herself again** Oh Don the mental images…

Don: I have that way with woman.

Lara: You certainly do. How did you become the "Don" of Wall Market?

Don: Money and my sexy looks.

Lara: Did you ever find a bride?

Don: After this interview I may have found her.

Lara: You really shouldn't flatter me like this. Why do you think I choose to interview you?

You're dead sexy woohoo!! I wanted to see the man behind the pervert. I wanted to ask you a sexual favor. 

Don: All of they above! Call me sexy.

Lara: Count on it hot cheeks. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impressions 

Lara: Oh the Don is just so sexy. He just has this way with women. I will defiantly have to call him after the show. 

Scarlet: Trying to move in on my man!

Lara: Your man!

****

A catfight ensues.

Don: **does his hip thrust** Sexy me and my sexy fans. **Spots catfight**. Fight over me ladies, I'm simply flattered.

Tifa G: **wanders back in** How did everything go?

Don: **whistles** Sexy outfit sweet cheeks. **Slaps Tifa G's ass.**

Tifa G: … Don't mess with me Don.

Don: You gonna get rough of me. **hip thrust** Bring it on.

Tifa G: I think I'm going to be sick. This has been another episode of fanatic. **Turns to the catfight** Ten gil on Lara.

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Oh icky…. Lara, you are insane. I would like to thank Jenny for the Don's line "I have fingers". Yes folks, my sick little mind did not come up with that on its own. 

****

Current taken characters: Sephiroth, Vincent, Rude, Reno, Zack, Tifa, Rufus, and maybe Tseng and Cloud. That person that wanted to interview Hojo, drop me an e-mail. Please, somebody choose to interview one of the girls.


	6. Fanatic: Rude

****

Fanatic: Rude

By: Tifa Gainsborough

The scene opens to reveal Tifa Gainsborough dressed like a Turk. She gives the camera a smile and winks. Spinning her nifty gun around on her finger she whistles happily. Little kids gather around waiting for the inevitable. With a smirk Tifa G shoves the gun into the holster and shoots herself in the foot. 

Tifa G: @*$&#) @&^$#* (%) $@&*$ &@(@ )$%)# &$^#&*$% #)$( )@& #*@^ %(%& *#& $*( ^*( #&% &*$.

Director: **blinks, remaining silent for a few minutes** Watch your language!

Tifa G: #$*% Bite #$(@ Me! Welcome to Fanatic, the show that reveals people to be the raving lunatics that they are!

Director: Like you?

Tifa G: I would argue with you but I am losing a mass amount of blood from my shot foot, which surprisingly has a mass amount of blood. Today Locked Heart Ami will be interviewing Rude…. **passes out**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

A big store called "Bishounen R Us" looms in front of the camera. Screaming fan girls are surrounding the store. It's a half off sale on every bodies favorite bishounen. It's quite a frightening sight.

Tifa G: **wading through the crowd** OUTTA THE WAY!!!!!! I WANNA BUY VASH!!!!! **tries to shot people with her gun, but only ends up shooting a stuffed animal and the director.**

Locked Heart Ami: RUDE!!!!!!! 

****

Tifa G: Locked Heart Ami! I've been sent for you to interview Rude!

Locked Heart Ami: ………………………………........ Wow! 

****

Locked Heart Ami grabs Tifa G and drags her away from the store. Cause one ever gets in the way of a fan girl and her favorite Turk. The aftermath isn't pretty.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

The scene shifts to Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G standing in front of a big, huge, giant, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, tall building. The sign reads "Fun with Lasers!"

Tifa G: What the hell? Where did this come from?

Locked Heart Ami: SHINRA!!!!!!

Tifa G: **shakes head in fear** Let's go. 

****

The two enter the building. People are running and screaming, firing guns that shoot lasers at each other. Reno is chasing Elena around, waving two guns at her. 

Tifa G: I tell you! The people like the smoke machines… I mean it's always lasers. What is with Rufus and lasers? People want smoke machines because they are so much more cooler. They have smoke! And we all now that smoke is a cool special… **Tifa G gets nailed in the face with a laser** Ugh….

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Locked Heart Ami: **face pressed against a window. Calmly beating on a wall**. Where the hell is Rude! I just can't wait to meet him, I mean I really want to meet him! Is that him!!! No wait… it was just a plant. Damn you plant, one day you shall face my wrath! Cause everybody should know that I am a huge Turk fan and Rude is just so silently cool! **Resumes beating the wall. Poor wall, you are so poorly abused.**

Rude: …. …. ……………………

Tifa G: **whispers to Rude** You can talk you know.

Rude: And ruin my image? I'm the bald silent type. Now then, where is my fan?

Tifa G: **smirks** It's amazing you have fans… **gets nailed in the face by another laser**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G are standing at the entrance to the restaurant part of the building. It is called "Fun with Food!" Rude is sitting at a table, trying to order a beer. Yet, it's hard to order when all you hear is "……….." coming from a man. 

Tifa G: Finally… away from the lasers. Have all your questions?

Locked Heart Ami: YES!!!!!!

Tifa G: Uh…. You frighten me.

Locked Heart Ami: FEAR ME!!!!! **runs to the table and sits next to Rude** HI RUDE-CHAN!!!!

Rude: Call me Rude, for by any other name and I shall be forced to kill you.

Locked Heart Ami: **blinks** Whoa… you actually talk.

Rude: Questions… where are the stinking questions!

Locked Heart Ami: Why do you always wear sunglasses, Rude-chan?

Rude: It helps to blur the world. I like it that way.

Locked Heart Ami: Interesting. Why do you shave your head? Or IS it shaved? Are you bald or something?

Rude: It gives me an air of mystery when people don't know whether it is shaved or simply bald.

Locked Heart Ami: I take it you aren't going to answer.

Rude: That would be correct.

Reno: **stumbling away from the bar looking very drunk **HE'S BALD!!!!

Locked Heart Ami: Really!

Rude: **talking through clenched teeth** Next question.

Locked Heart Ami: How did you become a Turk?

Rude: The same way as everybody else. I worked my way up to it. Then to prove I could do it I took out a restaurant.

****

People at nearby tables gulp loudly at Rude's words. Lots of people gulping loudly at one time is really cool sounding!

Locked Heart Ami: Why don't you talk? Eh? EH!!!!

Rude: Image. But most of the time I feel I have nothing interesting to talk about. When I feel the need to talk I shall talk. But most of the time I would rather sit back and enjoy the idiots entertain themselves with their spoken words.

****

Locked Heart Ami and Tifa G stare blankly. Rude said a whole bunch of lines and that is pretty cool.

Locked Heart Ami: Boxers or Briefs?

Rude: Why must everybody insist on asking this question?

Locked Heart Ami: Tifa G is holding a gun to our head screaming "ASK BOXERS OR BRIEFS!!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BREAKING TRADITION!!!" when we write the questions.

Rude: Oh…. I refuse to **the sound of a hammer of a gun clicking fills the silent restaurant** Boxers!

Locked Heart Ami: If you were forced to pair up with one of the guys in Final Fantasy VII for a yaoi fic, who would it be?

Rude: You know, this isn't one of those questions that I have given serious consideration too. But if I must answer I would say Reno. He's my best friend, I trust him.

Locked Heart Ami: That's sweet. Can I marry you?

Rude: No.

Locked Heart Ami: Date you?

Rude: No.

Locked Heart Ami: NO?!?! How 'bout now?

Rude: ………

Locked Heart Ami: Come on, don't you think I look like Elena.

Rude: I'm currently not dating anybody and I don't see why looking like Elena would make a difference. 

Locked Heart Ami: Well damn… Who do you hate most in Shinra?

Rude: I hate nobody… but then again I don't like anybody either.

Locked Heart Ami: Good reason. When you're drinking in the bars with Reno and occasionally Elena, just exactly what do you have?

Rude: Screwdriver.

Locked Heart Ami: Can I marry you yet?

Rude: **raises one eyebrow**

Locked Heart Ami: No wait! That's not my last question. Well uh… How did you react to Tseng's death and to the Turks splitting up… or whatever happened in the end.

Rude: Tseng died? Why don't people keep me informed of these things! **sees the shocked look on Locked Heart Ami's face** I'm kidding. I must say that I was upset that he let Sephiroth kill him. But Tseng has his reasons for everything. Apparently he had a good reason to go and get himself killed. The Turks may have split from Shinra but we are still friends. 

Locked Heart Ami: Hey… let me buy you a drink!

Rude: Sure.

Locked Heart Ami: Only if you marry me!

****

Rude gets up to leave and Locked Heart Ami chases after him

Locked Heart Ami: Come on! We only need to be married for a few months. Come on Rude! Marry me! Why not? Come on, I'm a nice girl. I may be a little bit of a stalker but I still love you! RUDE!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Locked Heart Ami: Rude sure is a nice man. Although I really wish that he had allowed me to marry him. It was really nice that he said more than three words. I really liked him, really I did. I really did! I swear it, are you doubting me. FACE MY WRATH!!! **blows up the camera**

Rude: May I resume not speaking.

  
Tifa G: Sure… continue to uphold you image.

Rude: …. ………….

Tifa G: Uh… I'll take that as a thanks. Did you like your fan?

  
Rude: ………..

Tifa G: Is that a yes?

Rude: ………..

Tifa G: You are one hard person to understand. Well that has been it for this fanatic. Tune in next time for Queen Vegeta interviewing Vincent Valentine. 

****

The scene fades to black.

Sephiroth: HOLD IT!!!!! I didn't even get to appear in this episode. Tifa G was able to escape the wrath of my tacks for a whole episode. Where is the justice in that!

****

Somewhere, far away from Sephiroth and his tacks. Tifa G is holding her face.

Tifa G: DAMNIT!!! I hate lasers.

Sephiroth: My justice has been served. You may resume fading to black.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: I do hope that you enjoyed this episode. Sephiroth, Rude, Shinra, Reno, Elena, and all those others belong to Squaresoft. Locked Heart Ami belongs to her and Tifa G is me! Watch for the next episode coming soon!


	7. Fanatic: Vincent Valentine

****

Fanatic: Vincent Valentine

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Casey Crystal: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! **waves like a mad woman**

Tifa Gainsborough: That is not how we begin the show. We have to the let the camera do it's nifty thing, then we can begin the show!

Casey: Fine, fine.

****

The scene fades out and opens up to reveal two woman in President Shinra's office. Casey is running around the office, chasing flies. Tifa G is sitting on President Shinra's desk keeping a watchful eye out for Sephiroth and Rufus. 

Tifa G: Welcome to Fanatic, I'm your host, Tifa Gainsborough. Today we have a very special guest host. My good friend, Casey Crystal. 

Casey: I'm here to protect her **points to Tifa G** from my beloved Rufus. 

Tifa G: Now do you job body guard and protect me.

****

Casey pulls out a familiar pair of shades and puts them on. Crossing her arms she gives off creepy Rude vibes.

Tifa G: Uh….. Good body guarding. On today's show Queen Vegeta will be interviewing everybody's favorite mystery man Vincent Valentine.

Casey: He's not my favorite.

Tifa G: Look! I think I see Rufus!

Casey: RUFUS! **runs off**

Tifa G: Works every time. Lets go get Queen Vegeta.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Tifa G and Casey walk through that town that is called Icicle Inn. Which is odd, it deserves a proper name. We shall call it Shwah Village. 

Village person: Welcome to Icicle Inn.

Tifa G: NO! **climbs up on soap box** You are forever to be known as Shwah Village. I have decreed it so!

****

The people of the "Shwah Village" give Tifa G a few strange glances and then return to what they were doing. Climbing off her soap box Casey comes over with a smirk.

Casey: Smooth move.

Tifa G: Thank you.

****

Tifa G walks towards to slopes and Casey does a nice face fault into the snow. A random person walks by and tosses a few bills on Casey's back.

Casey: Thanks! Wait up!

****

The two come to the top of the slopes, then man that warns you of the hill is lying in a heap next to a tree.

Casey: Did you really have to beat him like that?

Tifa G: No, but it was fun. **yells** QUEEN VEGETA!

****

Somebody decked out in snowboarding clothes comes running over, knocking people out of the way in the process.

Queen Vegeta: She called my name! I'm the next fanatic! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! 

Tifa G: Casey, will you please take care of this.

Casey: Yeah sure…. NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME! NOT YOU, ME!

Tifa G: Why do I even bother. Do your nifty fade to black please.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

First Impression

Queen Vegeta: I get to meet Vincent. I am so freakin happy! This is the coolest thing in the entire world, I can't believe I finally get to meet him. I hope he likes me, what am I say! Of course he will like me, I just happen to be one of his biggest fans!

****

The scene shifts to the room with the coffins. Tifa G is calmly knocking on the center coffin. Casey is trying out a couple of coffins, trying to figure with which one Pyro would fit in best.

Tifa G: Vincent, we need your first impression.

Vincent: Go away, I am atoning for my sins.

Tifa G: Come on, be a sport!

Vincent: I don't want to be a 'sport'. Leave me be!

Casey: Hey! Did you hear Hojo was back and so was Lucrecia and Hojo was going to be doing horrible experiments on her!

****

The coffin lid goes flying off, striking Tifa G in the head

Tifa G: But Rufus, I didn't steal your white outfit, I swear! **passes out**

Vincent climbs out of his coffin, looking royally pissed off. Casey points and laughs at Tifa G.

Casey: First impression!

Vincent: Where is Hojo?

Casey: It was a trick.

Vincent: ……

****

Scene fades to black and Casey screams

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tifa G: So, do you have questions your all?

Queen Vegeta: What?

Casey: She hit her head, she's not having a good day. Do you have all your questions.

Queen Vegeta: YES! Let me at the sexy man. 

Tifa G **with a stupid grin**: Go interview do good.

****

Queen Vegeta walks out to the sit next to Vincent. Somewhere in the Shinra Mansion there were two perfectly good chairs. It's amazing, something Hojo didn't destroy. 

Queen Vegeta: VINNY-CHAN! Hi!

Vincent: Vin… what?

Queen Vegeta: What was it like being a Turk?

Vincent: It was a job that I was good at. I didn't like killing people, but it let me have a lot of new experiences. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything.

Queen Vegeta: And you met Lucrecia. Have you ever tried any other weapons, besides your gun? If not, if you could try another weapon, what would it be?

Vincent: I have used a gun ever since my days with the Turks. I am satisfied with it. Yet if I could try a different weapon I would like to try Cid's spear.

Queen Vegeta: That's cool. Is it true that you can't feel anything in your left arm?

Vincent: Simply phantom feelings on an old limb. Another of the sins Hojo bestowed upon me.

Queen Vegeta: Poor Vincent. Why, in your opinion, did Hojo experiment on you?

Vincent: Because the man is an insane freak that likes to toy with things he has no control over. Is any other reason really needed?

Queen Vegeta: I guess not. Do you really have a lot of trouble controlling Chaos, or is it just a fan fiction rumor?

Vincent: Chaos is apart of me that I can never be rid of. I have complete control. But Chaos is made of anger and violence. When I get angered Chaos will take control. It's like the part of me that is forever angry.

Queen Vegeta: That must suck.

Vincent: To put it simply, yes.

Queen Vegeta: Do you like you hair long or short?

Vincent: Short was fine, but I don't mind it long. Hair is simply not that important to me at the moment.

Queen Vegeta: Okay, okay, can't break the wonderful tradition. Boxers or brief's Vincent?

Vincent: Why is this such a wonderful tradition?

Queen Vegeta: Because Tifa G said so. Yet nobody knows where it started.

Tifa G: Know I! It started Sephiroth with fanatic!

****

Everybody gives Tifa G an odd look and with a calm smile Casey knocks the girl unconscious again.

Casey: Much better. Please continue.

Vincent: I wear boxers.

Queen Vegeta: Excellent. I know this is very personal, but how did Lucrecia die?

Vincent: Lucrecia never really did die. She is like me, an animated being. But different, I believe it is the result of the Jenova cells and mako that Hojo injected into her to affect Sephiroth before he was born. They overwhelmed her body and she fell into an animated state. Not dead, but not exactly alive.

Queen Vegeta: Whoa, you put a lot of thought into that.

Vincent: I have had many years to think about it. Next question.

Queen Vegeta: Since Lucrecia, have you ever felt like you loved anyone else?

Vincent: I have not been romantically linked to anybody since Lucrecia.

Queen Vegeta: Do you like me Vincent? **Bates her eyelashes and give him the puppy dog look**

Vincent: Please…. Don't make me call security.

Casey: Somebody call security!

Vincent: I suddenly feel very unsafe.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Queen Vegeta: Vincent rocks my world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all I have to say on the subject! **faints**

Vincent: That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting a very insane fan, but her questions were very good. 

****

Sephiroth and Rufus wander in, both looking very upset.

Sephiroth: Have you seen this woman. **holds up a picture of Tifa G striking a pose**

Vincent: She's passed out and Casey drug her down to Hojo's lab.

Rufus: Perfect

****

The super villain and sexy semi villain head down to Hojo's lab. Casey is dancing around the lab, destroying everything she gets her hands on.

Rufus **kicking the door open**: We have…. CASEY!

Casey: RUFUS! I knew you would come!

Rufus: Sephiroth… uh… you take care of everything.

****

Rufus makes a mad break for the stairs and Casey chases after him. Sephiroth enters the lab with a wicked grin.

Sephiroth: Now you shall pay!

Tifa G: But Sephiroth, I thought you were free. **sits bolt up right, holding Rufus' shotgun, where she got it…. don't ask** Tune in next time for our next episodes…. Somebody will surely be interviewing somebody. 

****

The scene fades to black

~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Authors Note: Please people, if you want to interview somebody send me an e-mail, I would greatly appreciate it. If you would like to interview somebody, ask me and I will present you with a list of who has been interview and who hasn't. Queen Vegeta, sorry for the long delay. You know where ownership lies ^_^


	8. Fanatic: Aerith Gainsborough

****

Fanatic: Aerith Gainsborough

By Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

The scene opens to reveal Rufus Shinra and Sephiroth. They are leaning over a table, pointing at maps and pictures.

Sephiroth: If you distract her from the front I can sneak up with the tacks from the back.

Rufus: You have a six foot sword, why the hell do you need tacks?

Sephiroth: They are cool! **pulls out a couple of tacks and sticks them in Rufus arm**

Rufus: I do not find that amusing! You stupid megalomaniac!

Sephiroth: That's it pretty boy! Bring it on!

Rufus: I'll kick your ass from here to eternity mama's boy!

****

The scene slowly fades to black as Rufus and Sephiroth proceed to try and kick the living crap out of each other. It opens again to reveal a short haired redhead eyeing the golden wire that Barett thought was cool or something.

Tifa Gainsborough: I refuse to climb this!

Director: The location is up there and due to budget cuts we can't get train tickets!

Tifa G: This is an outrage! There must be something in my contract that keeps me from climbing golden wires! And where did my bodyguard go?

Director: Last we saw her she was trying to get a fork and plug in to get along. So we got you a new bodyguard.

****

A new person comes sliding down the golden wire thingy. Kinneas drops to the ground and pulls on a trademark pair of sunglasses.

Tifa G: Where do you people keep getting those sunglasses! I want a pair too!

Kinneas: The Turks sell them via their web page.

Tifa G: The Turks have a web page? **glances at camera** Oh hi! Welcome to Fanatic, I'm your host as always Tifa Gainsborough. On today's show Shinji Masaki will be interviewing Aerith Gainsborough.

Kinneas: It's AERIS!

Tifa G: It's my show and I'll call her whatever I want to call her! Lets go get Shinji Masaki now!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The scene is a persons bedroom. The walls are covered with posters of assorted anime. Kinneas is tactfully trying to remove a Gundam Wing poster from the wall. The poster refuses to come down and Kinneas shots it with a gun she stole. Tifa G is standing behind somebody who is glued to the TV.

Tifa G: Hello, Shinji Masaki, you have been chosen to interview Aerith on Fanatic!

Shinji: That's great! But… I could use a little help.

Kinneas: What seems to be the problem.

  
Shinji: I'm glued to my TV!

Tifa G: You mean that wasn't just figuratively speaking, you are actually glued to the TV?

Shinji: Yes and don't laugh!

Kinneas: TOO LATE! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha **passes out from lack of oxygen**

Tifa G: That seems to happen a lot on this show. 

****

Tifa G drags Kinneas out of the room. She returns and drags Shinji out, TV included.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

First Impression

Shinji: I am so happy to have that TV off my face! I can't believe I get to interview Aerith, this is like a dream come true. She is one of the greatest characters that ever was! She is just so very cool!

Aerith: I get to be on Fanatic! I have so many wonderful fans! I mean, people may dislike me, but I am still very well liked by others. I hope my fan is very nice! Wait a sec… **turns to Tifa G and Kinneas who are standing in the background. They have their Final Fantasy X dolls engaged in battle**

Tifa G: Prepare to die Tidus! **moves Seymour doll in for the kill**

Kinneas: NEVER! **kicks Seymour doll out of Tifa G's hand**

Aerith: HEY!

Tifa G: What?

Aerith: Aren't I suppose to be dead.

Tifa G: Well, nobody is really sure. There are so many resurrection fics and the big controversy about the ending. Your dead one minute, alive the next.

Aerith: I'm confused.

Kinneas: Our feelings exactly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

A big gust of wind blows across the rooftop of a building in Midgar. 

Tifa G: People have the oddest locations for interviews. Do you have all your questions?

Shinji: Yes and your bodyguard just got blown off the roof.

Tifa G: Damn it! Well go ahead, I have to go check on Kinneas.

Kinneas: HELP ME!

****

Shinji walks out to the rooftop center where Aerith is standing staring at the skyline. The dark, gloomy, depressing skyline…It's just so sad looking all dark and lonely. 

Somewhere in a University on the west coast Zack smacks the author across the head! Look at that! Aerith's dress just blew around her head! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shinji: Hello Aerith.

Aerith: Hi! It's so very nice to meet you.

Shinji: Nice to meet you as well. I believe I shall begin with the questions. Everybody wants to know, is there anything between you and Cloud?

Aerith: Cloud is a really good friend of mine. Sometimes I'm not sure on my feelings for him. I know the time that we were together, stopping Sephiroth was very important to him. We had two different destinies, a romance probably would have never worked out.

Shinji: Really?

Aerith: Most likely.

Shinji: Interesting. What's it like having a 5-foot blade shoved through your mid-section?

Aerith: It's defiantly not a pleasant feeling. But I was willing to accept whatever I was presented with. That was the fate that the Planet chose for me.

Shinji: You sound like you have no regrets. What's resurrection like?

Aerith: **laughs** Its rather interesting. One minute I'm in the Promised Land the next I'm alive. Which isn't pleasant since Cloud lay my body to rest in water!

Shinji: That could pose a problem.

Aerith: Yes, usually people fail to take that into consideration when they resurrect me. 

Shinji: Which name do you prefer, Aeris or Aerith?

Aerith: Both work fine with me. I really have no preference, both sound nice.

Shinji: Which if your favorite sequel to Final Fantasy 7, 8 or 9?

Aerith: Well, technically they aren't sequels. But I am rather fond of Final Fantasy 9. I really like the characters and Zidane is very cute.

Shinji: Why a flower girl?

Aerith: It was just a way of life. I had such a bad life I wanted to bring joy to others. I had little joy in my life, not knowing my father and only having my real mother around for a few years. Flowers make me happy, I wanted to try to make others happy as well.

Shinji: That is really nice of you.

  
Aerith: Thank you.

Shinji: Why do you appear in Final Fantasy Tactics?

Aerith: I guess it would be considered another resurrection. **laughs**

Shinji: You could look at it that way. If you're a Cetra, can you fly and stuff?

Aerith: Nope, I can't fly.

Shinji: Why not?

Aerith: A lot of people believe that because Sephiroth could fly and he claimed to be a Cetra I could fly as well. I can't fly, although it would be fun. Sephiroth wasn't a really a Cetra.

Shinji: Will you go out with me?

Aerith: I appear to have a very long list of those that want to date me. I guess you could say I am popular.

Shinji: Well, thank you for answering all the questions.

Aerith: My pleasure.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impressions

Shinji: It's really amazing how intelligent Aerith is. I guess all those stories of her being a ditz aren't as true as I thought. She answered everything very politely. Now I know why she is one of my favorites.

Aerith: I hope my fan liked me. They were very nice. I guess those stories I had heard about the interviewer being rather crazy just weren't true.

****

Tifa G comes running in, followed closely by Rufus and Sephiroth. Aerith watched them run by and laughs. A few minutes later Kinneas and Casey appear.

Casey: Hiya Aerith! Did you see where they went?

Aerith: That way!

Kinneas: **waves around her Clarinet of Doom™** CHARGE!

****

Kinneas and Casey run off and finally find Tifa G and the rest. 

  
Tifa G: I apologize! Really, I'm very sorry.

Sephiroth: It is too late!

Casey: We have arrived!

****

Rufus spots Casey and makes a mad dash for it! He is such a wimp, always running from Casey. Sephiroth spots Kinneas and what she is holding in her hand.

Sephiroth: No! Not the wall again! Anything but the wall! **runs screaming from the room like a little baby! Gosh, villains sure are wimps!**

Tifa G: Thank you! Next time tune in for our next episode!

Casey: Will you two just get along! **pokes plug in with a fork**

Tifa G and Kinneas: NO!

****

The scene sparks out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Another chapter… so fast you may say! I know, I'm like a machine! I do hope you enjoyed. Casey, bebe, you are in my thoughts! Hope everything goes well. Take care bebe!


	9. Fanatic: Lucrecia

****

Fanatic: Lucrecia

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The scene opens up to reveal Tifa Gainsborough standing in the Chocobo Racing area of the Gold Saucer. Behind her Kinneas and Casey Crystal are trying to look intimidating. Both are wearing their Turk sunglasses, milling around, trying to scare people. The effect is ruined when the two collide, taking out each other and five bystanders.

Tifa G: Welcome to Fan…

Cloud: HOLD IT!

****

Cloud comes running in. Not seeing the heap of seven people on the floor he crashes into them and skids on his face, stopping in front of Tifa G. Jumping to his feet he makes a graceful landing. Judges standing by hold up three nines.

Tifa G: What do you want Cloud, I was just about to start the show.

Cloud: I haven't been in an episode in a long time. It's rather depressing.

Tifa G: You are appearing in this episode.

Cloud: I am?!?

Tifa G: You just did! Bodyguards! Please escort Cloud off the set!

****

Kinneas and Casey walk over, having detangled themselves from the heap. They drag Cloud off the set. From off screen, screams can be heard.

Cloud: NO! Not the wall! Anything but that again!

Kinneas: Yes! The Wall! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  
Tifa G: Frightening sight, isn't it folks. Today on Fanatic, Lucrecia is going to be interview by…. Oh help us!

Casey: What's the matter?

Tifa G: The person interviewing today call's themselves the Great Sephiroth.

****

Sephiroth floats down from the ceiling, looking very impressive. Rufus falls from the ceiling and makes a nice Rufus shaped whole where that information desk use to be. It doesn't look very impressive.

Sephiroth: There is only one Sephiroth and that is I! I, the original, am the only one allowed to be called the Great Sephiroth! So there can only be one and that is I!

****

While Sephiroth is ranting, Tifa G, Kinneas, and Casey slowly sneak away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

A big house is sprawled out in front of the three girls. The windows are rattling and from the inside the familiar cords of "One Winged Angel" can be heard. Kinneas and Casey give Tifa G a shove in the direction of the door.

Tifa G: I will be brave, I will be brave! Damn it! This is my show, I won't let some Sephiroth wannabe scare me!

****

Tifa G knocks on the door and it swings open.

Great Sephiroth: Who dares to knock at the door of the Great Sephiroth!

Tifa G: I'm… I'm with Fanatic, you have been chosen to interview Lucrecia…. **passes out**

Great Sephiroth: Really! Excellent!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Great Sephiroth: This is excellent news. I have so many questions that I want to ask Lucrecia. I feel that I will be able to get some spending answers out of her. If she shows up long enough.

Lucrecia: I can't believe that people actually want to interview me. I mean, I am hardly even in the game and I still have wonderful fans. This is really amazing, I hope they will have news of my son and of Vincent.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The setting is Lucrecia's cave, with the glowing lights and everything. The Great Sephiroth is standing on the side with Kinneas and Casey. Tifa G is cowering behind her two bodyguards. She has yet to get it through her head that this isn't the Sephiroth that is trying to mutilate her with tacks.

Tifa G: Do you have all you questions? And do you have any tacks?

Kinneas: **smirks** Tacks…

Great Sephiroth: Yes I have all my questions and no I do not have any tacks.

Kinneas: TACK! HAHAHAHA

Tifa G: You may go ahead. **turns to Kinneas** It was you that gave Sephiroth the idea for the tacks!

****

Tifa G jumps Kinneas and the Great Sephiroth goes out to greet Lucrecia. Casey stands on the sidelines, mourning the loss of her Rufus now turned stalker creepy villain. Oh, how pathetic are the host and her bodyguards.

Great Sephiroth: Hello Lucrecia.

Lucrecia: Hello, it's nice to meet you.

Great Sephiroth: I must start off with the questions that is on everybody minds. Why did you have a child with HOJO of all people?!?!

Lucrecia: I was stupid.

Great Sephiroth: That's for sure.

Lucrecia: HEY! I made a mistake, I'm sorry. I was trying to improve science, I thought was Hojo was doing was right, little did I know what the results would be in the long run.

Great Sephiroth: Yeah, a megalomaniac who has a fixation with giant meteors and sharp pointy objects. Why did you let Hojo take Sephiroth and do all those nasty experiments on?

Lucrecia: I was weak, the Jenova cell's were effecting me more than I thought. I wanted to keep him, but Hojo took him away, bastard!

Great Sephiroth: Exactly. Why do you keep giving Vincent all of those items and limits?

Lucrecia: I wanted to help Vincent out. I was responsible for so many of his problems. It was the least I could do.

Tifa G: Lets face it! You are responsible for everything! **gets tackled by Kinneas** GAH!

Lucrecia: Now that's not…. Well I see where you are coming from.

Great Sephiroth: Why did you name Sephiroth what you named him?

Lucrecia: I didn't name him, Hojo did. I wanted to name him Bob.

Great Sephrioth: You know…The great villain Bob wouldn't really scare people the way Sephiroth did. Explain to me, why did you spend the ENTIRE GAME in a FREAKIN CAVE?!?!

Lucrecia: Because it's comfy and homey… I was stuck here! I would have rather been anywhere but here.

Great Sephiroth: How did Sephiroth grow a freakin wing at the end?

Lucrecia: That was more Jenova than Sephiroth. Sephiroth had been killed in Nibelhiem by Cloud. But his spirit had too many questions to rest peacefully. Through his will and with the help of Jenova he created another body. But in the end Jenova began to take control.

Great Sephiroth: Whoa…. Why was Hojo so obsessed with Jenova?

Lucrecia: Jenova was something Gast was working on. Hojo always wanted everything Gast had, he was his biggest rival. 

Great Sephiroth: Did you marry Hojo or was Sephiroth a bastard?

Lucrecia: That is none of your concern. Sephiroth was loved, whether or not we were married.

Great Sephiroth: Oh yeah, Hojo loved him. Loved to do experiments on him. What is happening between you and that VAMPIRE Vincent?

Lucrecia: Vincent and I are simply friends now.

Great Sephiroth: Why are there so many Sephiroth/Vincent couplings on the net?

Tifa G: OH NO! That's eleven questions! **whips out a gun and blows up the camera**

Director: Smooth move genius! That was our last camera! Now we have to order more!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Second Impressions

Great Sephiroth: Lucrecia seems very nice, although she does have a few problems. Like having a kid with Hojo for one thing. But she was nice, I was glad I was able to interview her.

Lucrecia: I've decided… I am never coming out of my cave again. But really nice fan, it's just those other people, the host for one, that scare me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tifa G: Well, I survived a whole episode! **dances**

Casey: Good news! We got a legal binding thing that says Sephiroth or Rufus are not allowed to kill you on TV!

Tifa G: That is wonderful news!

****

Sephiroth falls from the ceiling again, making another graceful entrance. The three girls look up, waiting for Rufus to fall from the sky. Instead he comes in through a door.

Rufus: We are not allowed to kill you?

Kinneas: That's right!

Sephiroth. **pulls out tacks and some ropes** It says nothing about maiming or hurting. Just killing and on TV!

Tifa G: Eep…

Rufus: And since you destroyed the last camera, you aren't on TV.

Tifa G: Double eep. Stay tuned for the next episode! **runs!**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Authors Note: I am so evil! If you are wondering about the wall, go check out Kinneas' Muse War! And don't forget to visit the Library of Centuries! You can find the link via Arcadia Silver's author profile! I recommend everybody go check out both! Look forward to the next chapter soon. And don't forget, people are still open for interviews!


	10. Fanatic: Jenova

****

Fanatic: Jenova

By Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Tifa Gainsborough is looking left and right, keeping a watchful eye out for Rufus and Sephiroth. Kinneas and Casey Crystal are also keeping an eye open for them, although they don't look as enthusiastic as Tifa G.

Tifa G: Welcome to another episode of Fanatic! I'm your host, Tifa G.

Kinneas: And I'm bodyguard number 1, Kinneas!

Casey: Hey! I thought I was bodyguard number 1!

Tifa G: Uh… **watches her two bodyguards begins to get into a fight with their respected weapons** Well, on today's episode Daze Riot will be interviewing Jenova.

Cloud: **from somewhere off screen** JENOVA!!!!! **gives a girly scream** **running onto the set** I must protest this episode!

Tifa G: Why?

Cloud: Because of…. I can't say it!

Tifa G: Jenova?

Cloud: AHHHHHH!!!!! **pulls at his hair**

Tifa G: JENOVA! JENOVA! JENOVA! **chasses Cloud off the set still screaming Jenova** Face it Cloud! You just love Jenova!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Kinneas and Casey walk in, exchanging glares, occasionally hitting the other with their weapons. Tifa G stumbled in a few minutes later, sporting some nifty purple bruises.

Tifa G: Damn… who knew Cloud could be so strong.

Casey: You deserved it.

Kinneas: Oh, go stick a fork in a light socket.

Casey: Hey, I haven't tried that yet!

  
Tifa G: Casey… don't. We have to get today's fanatic, Daze.

****

Tifa G walks up to a big door and pounds on it for a few minutes. Finally somebody appears at the door.

Daze: Hey! Teef, how is it going?

Tifa G: You have been chosen to interview Jenova!

Daze: Excellent! Do I get to take a helicopter?

Tifa G: Uh… hmm…

Kinneas and Casey: YEAH! Can we?!?!

Director: Budget cuts! No way!

Tifa G: Oh bleh… we are taking the Highwind!

All: YEAH!

  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The Highwind drops down in the same place it landed in the Northern Cave when everybody went to fight Sephiroth. It's like great memories or something. Tifa G, Casey, Kinneas, and Daze are all kicked out of the Highwind and as it pulls off ,Cid's loud curses can be heard from inside.

Tifa G: Same to you! Same to you!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Daze: I can't wait to interview Jenova, I am I'm probably the only person that doesn't really like the person they are interviewing! But I just have so many questions that I must as her, or is it he, or is it just an it? So many decisions!

Jenova: I have fans? I don't believe it.

Tifa G: I wouldn't either, cause I don't think you have many fans.

Jenova: PUPPET!

****

Red lights swirl around Tifa G and she begins to do a funny jig. Jenova laughs evilly.

Tifa G: I hate this job.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Jenova floats in the center of the Northern Cave. Kinneas and Casey are whapping each other on the arms with a clarienet and flute respectfully. Daze is tapping his clipboard with his questions on his open palm. Tifa G is doing a jig into a wall.

Tifa G: Go ask your questions!

Daze: Is there a reason you are doing a jig into a wall?

Tifa G: GRRRR! Just go talk to her!

****

Daze walks out and takes a seat near Jenova

Jenova: Hello.

Daze: Greetings! Lets being. Why did you kill the Cetra? I mean, Aerith was one of them!

Jenova: I did not destroy the Cetra. I came and killed off a few of them. But eventually they died off on their own, things tend to do that. Aerith was working against my plan, so I was rid of her.

Daze: That's mean! How come there are so many different types of you? I mean life and death and all those others.

Jenova: That bastard Hojo did it to me!

Daze: Hojo seems to be responsible for a lot of things. Was it fun controlling Sephiroth? Personally, I would have made him dance and make himself look like an idiot.

Jenova: Who said I didn't! I mean, look at that poor hostess.

Tifa G: MAKE **runs into a wall ** IT **runs into another wall **STOP!

Daze: So… where did you actually come from?

Jenova: I fell from the sky. How I got into the sky is a mystery even to me.

Daze: Did it hurt when you landed on the Planet?

Jenova: It wasn't pleasant, that's for sure.

Daze: What do you have against the Planet? 

Jenova: I have no one main problem. I was frozen in ice for so many years. My cells where used to create super humans, many would have a problem after that.

Daze: You know everybody hates you, right?

Jenova: You shall suffer for that outrage!

Daze: Uh… Yikes! Are you really crazy?

Jenova: What do you think?

Kinneas: TIFA G! Get off the ceiling!

Tifa G: I CAN'T HELP IT!

Jenova: I like to make my puppets dance!

Daze: I will take that as a yes. How old are you? Really?!

Jenova: A woman never reveals her age.

Daze: What do you do when you're not controlling people and being a total bitch?

Jenova: DANCE PUPPET!

****

Daze beings to dance across the Northern Cave. Jenova… Jenova is insane!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Daze: I still don't like Jenova, but those were some interesting answers. If only I could stop dancing.

****

Jenova is watching Tifa G and Daze dance across the Northern Cave. Cloud wanders in, spots Jenova, and runs screaming. Jenova glances over, spotting Cloud.

Jenova: My little Cloudy-boy! **floats after Cloud and Tifa G and Daze stop dancing**

Tifa G: Oh thank you that episode is finished!

Sephiroth: You insulted mother!

Rufus: Yeah, whatever he said!

Tifa G: Where are my bodyguards!

****

Kinneas and Casey are absorbed in hitting each other with their musical weapons, completely ignoring what is going on.

Tifa G: HEY! Remember, you can't kill me! We are on TV.

Director: We went off air three minutes ago.

Tifa G: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Hope you enjoyed. This episode is dedicated to all my livejournal friends! You are all the greatest! If you have an lj, feel free to add me to your friends list. I'm TifaG. Next chapter will be out one of these days.


	11. Fanatic: Cloud Strife

****

Fanatic: Cloud Strife

By Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tifa G: Welcome to Fanatic! I will be your host Tifa Gainsborough, with my trusty bodyguards, Casey Crystal and Kinneas!

****

Casey and Kinneas stand behind Tifa G each wearing a Turk uniform. They are each wearing Turk sunglasses, arms crossed. For once they are looking very intimidating. Tifa G holds Rufus' shotgun, resting it against her right shoulder.

Casey: Question!

Tifa G: Who will be interview today?

Casey: Not exactly. I was wondering, where did you get Rufus' shotgun? Last I saw Aurora had it over in Lila's MST of A Rose By Any Other Name.

Kinneas: Is that a shameless plug?

Casey: Nah, just stating something. Well…

Tifa G: It's like Sephiroth's Masamune. He leave's one behind and gets a new one… nobody knows how. Or do they know why. 

****

Kinneas jumps Casey for some odd reason

Kinneas: No shameless plugs!

Casey: You plug your wall!

Tifa G: Well… they looked intimidating for a few minutes. Today on Fanatic, Sakura Blackwolf will be interviewing… oh dear. The day has finally come. 

Cloud: **has wandered in, stepping around Kinneas and Casey** What day has come?

Tifa G: You are being interview.

Cloud: EEP! **passes out**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Tifa G, Kinneas, and Casey have traveled into the land of Bishounen Haven. Casey is holding on to Kinneas who is trying to jump Tasuki who is lighting a fire with his flame fan. He misses and catches Kamui, who is wandering, by on fire.

Kinneas: I just want to touch one of them!

Tifa G: NO! We must get Sakura Blackwolf. Look! There she is! Talking to…. TALKING TO MY TOUYA!!!!!!!!!!

****

Tifa G runs launching over a few random bishounen and crashes into Sakura Blackwolf! Touya runs.

Sakura: Tifa G! I'm on Fanatic!

Tifa G: Yes! Now stop talking to my Touya! You can talk to Cloud!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

First Impression

Cloud: **dancing** I HAVE FANS, I HAVE FANS, I HAVE FANS, I HAVE FANS, I HAVE FANS!!! This world so rocks!

Sakura: I get to interview Cloud! This has to be the greatest day of my life! I can't wait to meet his, I'm going to poke his hair and ask him all these questions!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

A sandstorm is kicking up as Tifa G, Sakura, Kinneas, and Casey walk towards the sand pits that surround the Gold Saucer.

Tifa G: Now this has got to be the weirdest location I have ever had. Do you have all your questions?

Sakura: YEAH!

****

Sakura walks out to greet Cloud.

Sakura: Hi Cloud!

Cloud: Are you my fan?

Sakura: YEAH!

Cloud: Can I hug you!

Tifa G: Well now… that's a first.

Sakura: YES! **jumps Cloud and gives him a huge hug. Ten minutes later Kinneas and Casey are able to detach Sakura and she begins asking her questions** Do you think of yourself as emotionally unstable?

Cloud: People seem to think that a lot. But I have gotten my emotions under wrap since Meteor.

Tifa G: JENOVA!

****

Cloud screams and bursts into tears.

Tifa G: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **Gets nailed in the head by Cloud shoe** OUCH!

Cloud: Okay, so I have a few kinks to work out. Next questions.

Sakura: If you had a chance to kill yourself, would you?

Cloud: I don't think so.

Sakura: That is so good to hear! Would you attempt to kill me if I were to write many a shounen ai story with you and Sephiroth?

Cloud: I could never kill a fan!

Tifa G: Oh really…

Sakura: You have tried to kill Tifa G?

Cloud: NO! NEXT QUESTION!

Sakura: Uh… okay. How does your sword stick to your back? Is there like some invisible sheath we can't see, or do you super glue it to your back?

Cloud: I think it's magnetic. Although I'm not really sure how. You see I got this outfit from Zack and something he did to it made it so the swords just stuck to it. It's magic!

Sakura: Interesting. Why does your hair look like a chocobo?  


Cloud: It's all natural!

Sakura: Whatever you say. It's tradition, boxers or briefs?

Cloud: Boxers and that is a dumb tradition! **Gets hit by his own shoe **I don't care! It's dumb!

Sakura: How did you feel when you found out you were a Sephiroth clone?

Cloud: DO YOU SEE A NUMBER! WHERE IS MY NUMBER!

All: Uh…

Sakura: I'm just going to move onto the next question. Do you feel any sort of… attraction towards any of the guys.

Cloud: I'm a straight man, but Sephiroth has a butt that won't quit.

Sakura: How close were you to Zack?

Cloud: Zack was one of my best friends.

Sakura: How close were you to Sephiroth?

Cloud: I got pretty close when he impaled me on his sword, other than that, not really.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Second Impression

Cloud: What a nice fan I have, very nice. But I don't understand what was up with all those yaoi questions. I'm a straight man I tell you! STRAIGHT!

Sakura: That was really nice and fun! Cloud is so amazing, although a little on the strange side. Very interesting answers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Tifa G and her bodyguards are hanging out in the Gold Saucer watching the Chocobo races. One of the chocobo's crashes into the giant clam and begins to try to eat the other chocobo's. The three are very absorbed in the chocobos and don't notice Sephiroth and Rufus, who are sneaking up behind them. 

Casey: I'm going to go catch that runaway chocobo and make it my own!

****

Casey runs off and Kinneas runs after her

Kinneas: NO! That's my chocobo!

****

Sephiroth and Rufus grin to each other as Tifa G laughs evilly watching her bodyguards fight over the chocobo. The two pounce and drag Tifa G out of the scene. Kinneas and Casey return a few minutes later, each sporting chocobo bites. They chocobo is doing a victory dance.

Kinneas: Where did Teef go?

****

Lila pops up

Casey: AHHHHHH!!!

Lila: She has been kidnapped! **dun dun dun**

Casey and Kinneas: Oh… 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Here, another chapter. Will I escape! Or will Lila get her dream and be able to host an episode of Fanatic! Tune in for our next episode!


	12. Fanatic: Reeve

****

Fanatic: Reeve

By: Tifa Gainsborough

Featuring special guest host Lila

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Deep in the lair of Sephiroth and Rufus which is actually the basement of the Shinra Mansion. The cameraman peeks around the corner, remembering the fate that befell those that came before him. The camera is shaking so violently many on the set are getting motion sick…EEW!!!! Tifa G is trapped in the same tube as Zack was in, minus all that nasty looking liquid.

Rufus: We finally caught you! Mwahahahahaha!

Tifa G: That is so clichéd. 

Rufus: SILENCE YOU! **punches Tifa G, forgetting she is in the tube and ends up punching the glass, hurting his poor little hand** OWIE!!!! 

****

Sephiroth looks up from where he is carefully lining up his tacks and shrugs. He polishes each one with loving care. Smiling in that oh so evil but heartbreakingly beautiful way like all major villains can. Minus Kefka who simply smiles in that oh so evil and extremely frightening way and he scares Kinneas more than American cheese. Uh yeah… long live the power of CHEESE!!

Sephiroth: Now Tifa G, you shall suffer in extreme and very painful ways. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha **five minutes later **hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

****

Ten more minutes pass. Rufus is reading a book and Tifa G has fallen asleep, drooling and snoring loudly.

Sephiroth: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha and did I mention, HA! **looks around** hmm…. **resumes polishing his tacks**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

The scene shifts to a new location, how about, lets see, where haven't we been? How about, hmm, lets see, we could go to, no been there. Maybe to the… no that defiantly won't work. Got it! The camera zooms in on Kinneas, Casey, and special very oh so special guest host Lila who are arguing loudly.

Kinneas: We all know Vincent is the best character!

Casey: That's insanity! Insanity speaking I tell you! Rufus!

Lila: Guys… where are we?

****

The look around the dark room and over at Yuffie, who is waving madly at them.

Kinneas: The Debug Room!

Casey: Yippee!

****

Kinneas and Casey go off to explore the many rooms

Lila: Uh… Oh HI!!! I'm Lila and I will be the special guest host of this episode of Fanatic. On today's episode I will be marrying Reno!

****

Lila is handed a few note cards. She reads over them quickly.

Lila: Whaddaya mean Reno filed a restraining order! Why does somebody else get the spotlight!?! It's just not fair! Fine, on today's episode Tricia-sama will be interviewing Reeve.

****

Camera fades to black.

~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Scene opens to the Turtle Paradise where Reno and Rude are passed out at one of the tables. Reno shoots straight up, recognizing Lila's voice. He runs screaming from the building. Lila, Kinneas, and Casey enter the building.

Lila: **climbing up onto a table** I'm looking for Tricia-sama!

****

A few minutes pass and somebody races into the bar. Everybody looks at Tricia-sama who is soaking wet, covered in mud, and very out of breath.

Lila: What happened to you? Did you run here?

Tricia-sama: Yes… **weez** all the **gasp **way from **cough** Junon.

Lila: Oh… sorry about that. You have been chosen by Fanatic, with super super super SUPER guest host, ME! LILA!

Tricia-sama: Oh **wobbles** boy! **passes out on the floor from exhaustion. **

****

Casey and Kinneas wander over, each looking a little wobbly themselves. Casey drops her arm over Lila's shoulder

Casey: **giggling** Oops… be a dear and help me attach that back to my body **passes out**

Kinneas: You know Lil-lil.

Lila: Lila.

Kinneas: Laura.

Lila: Lila!

Kinneas: Lulu.

Lila: LILA!

Kinneas: If you start killing the interviewers what's her face won't let you back onto the show, Lily. **passes out on top of Casey, who is passed out on top of Tricia-sama, who is passed out on top of the floor.**

Lila: Oh well… **grabs a board and hits her head, passing out on top of Kinneas, who is passed out on top of Casey, who is passed out on top of Tricia-sama, who is passed out on top of the floor.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

First Impressions

Tricia-sama: Oh… I can't wait to get to interview Reeve! I really hope that he shows up and doesn't send Cait Sith. Or I shall hunt him down! Oh I just love Reeve so much! I'm gonna love him squeeze him, call him George!

Kinneas: HEY! That's my line! **whips out clarinet **TOOT

Reeve: **safely many miles away** It's really amazing that I have a fan. I mean, I'm not the normal bishounen but I am pretty damn sexy. **checks himself out in a mirror** I just hope I have a half way normal… What is that noise? OH NO! Clarinet of Doom™!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The scene reopens to the Shinra Library located in some area on some floor of the Shinra building. Reeve is sitting at a table looking around for his fan. A chibi Cait Sith is sitting on the table bouncing up and down and up and down and up and down… it's hypnotic. Casey and Kinneas are watching the chibi Cait Sith, bobbing their heads up and down in unison with the hyperactive chibi. Tricia-sama and Lila are watching them.

Lila: Should we be worried about them?

Tricia-sama: I WANNA INTERVIEW REEVE! **grabs Lila's shirt** NOW!

Lila: Don't hurt me! Go interview!

****

Tricia-sama throws herself, literally, in Reeve's direction. She takes out a table, some chairs, a stack of books, and Elena who just happened to be walking in front of her, yet wasn't there five seconds earlier. Ohhhhhh… plot hole!

Reeve: Hello.

Tricia-sama: **jumps to her feet and takes a seat across from Reeve **Hiya! It's so great to finally get to meet you. I'm super super, overly giggly, happy to meet you! I've got questions! **waves the clipboard over her head**

Reeve: Well, feel free to ask them.

Tricia-sama: YES! To ask the obvious, why did you create Cait Sith? 

Reeve: I created Cait Sith because I had to find a way to infiltrate AVALANCHE and Gold Saucer without being labeled a spy right away. So I came up with Cait Sith… or it may have been a design I made when I was really drunk.

Tricia-sama: Is there anything going on between you and Scarlet?

Reeve: Nope, Scarlet is simply a fellow worker.

Tricia-sama: Thank you lord. If you had to be paired up with a guy, who would it be?

Reeve: Now I have never really given that much thought. But I would most likely say, uh… I guess I would have to say Tseng.

Tricia-sama: Awww… that's cute! What's your sign?

Reeve: Uh… Virgo I suppose.

Tricia-sama: Nifty. Do you ever leave the building?

Reeve: I've been to Junon a few times. It's not like a was born in one of the labs by Hojo.

Tricia-sama: Would you like to be president.

Reeve: I'd like to do the president.

****

Silence fills the air as everybody looks at Reeve. He glances at everybody.

Reeve: Er… I mean to say I would like to be the president. Yeah, that's it, want to do… arg! I mean be with… DAMNIT! 

Tricia-sama: It's **snorts** o… **laughs** k… Next question, what's with the white shirt and red tie?

Reeve: I think it looks fashionable.

Casey: That's better than Rufus' answer. **smirks**

Tricia-sama: What's your idea of a perfect date?

Reeve: Dinner for two by candlelight. Then perhaps I ride in the gondola at the Gold Saucer. Something intimate for two. 

Tricia-sama: That sounds heavenly. Okay, even though she's not here to kill me, I can't brake the tradition. Boxers or Briefs?

Reeve: Briefs.

Tricia-sama: Can I have a kiss before I leave?

Reeve: Uh…

****

Tricia-sama jumps across the table and kisses him firmly on the mouth. Kinneas and Casey run out and hold up a black sign that read "Censored" in front of their faces. Lila screams at them to hold it in front of Reeve and Tricia-sama, not Kinneas and Casey's own face. The scene fades to black and Kinneas and Casey attack Lila and a huge "Censored" sign appears. Stupid %&$*ing censors!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Tricia-sama: Reeve was great, all his answers were very nice and thoughtful. I enjoyed the time I spent with him very much.

Lila: Your just saying that cause you got to lock lips with him.

Tricia-sama: Oh boy… Can that man kiss. **swoons**

Reeve: That was interesting to say the least. I guess there really are no truly sane fans out their. I guess I got a really nice one. I'm not really sure how to judge them. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The scene returns to Sephiroth and Rufus' secret lair, but everybody now knows it the basement of the Shinra building. Like it would be anywhere else. Rufus is sitting on a desk shooting the wall with his shotgun. Sephiroth is standing in front of Tifa G's tube teasing her with a Zack plushy.

Sephiroth: Come on, you know you want it!

Tifa G: GIMME!!! **jumps at him smacking into the glass. Falls flat on her rear, stands up, and jumps again. **Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

****

Sephiroth cackles evilly. There is a knocking at the door.

Rufus: Pizza!

Sephiroth: You ordered pizza? We are trying to be hidden, not inviting people over!

Rufus: I had a coupon!

****

Rufus rushes to the door, drool inching it's way down his chin. Oh… slimy. Rufus opens the door and screams. Lila, Kinneas, and Casey are standing at the door.

Rufus: YOU ATE MY PIZZA!!!

Casey: Sorry 'bout that. **tosses the box away**

Lila: We have come to… we have come to…

Kinneas: Save Tifa G.

Lila: Are you sure that was it? I thought it was something more important.

Tifa G: LILA! That's not funny! Save me!

****

A big battle ensues but the censors refused to allow the show to show it to you. Bloody hell censors!

Censor: You can't say bloody hell! Please change that to life source HFIL.

****

Okay, due to the an… not very nice censors, the big life source battle from HFIL could not be brought to you. We now move ahead to the aftermath.

Kinneas: We won!

Tifa G: Freedom! **grabs the Zack plushy and kicks Sephiroth**

Casey: Oh look… American cheese! **chases Kinneas out of the room cause American cheese scares Kinneas.**

Lila: Let me guess, I don't get to host another show.

Tifa G: Nope, I'm BACK!

****

Dead silence.

Tifa G: … ….. …. …. …. ….. …..damn

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Sorry it took so long! Thanks to everybody for being such a great sport, up next…. Uh… YUFFIE! Yeah, Yuffie will be next. 

****

Disclaimers: I own a cheese log, okay, maybe I don't. But I would like to, okay, not really. Okay, I own nothing! You caught me… happy, happy, are you happy! **sobs**


	13. Fanatic: Hojo

****

Fanatic: Hojo

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*

Kinneas: I'm hosting the show today!!! That's right, MEEEEEEEE!!!!

****

Casey Crystal and Tifa Gainsborough stand behind Kinneas, both in a pair of Turk sunglasses. Tifa G coughs and Kinneas spins around.

Kinneas: SILENCE! Don't make me go postal on your ass. I'm hosting the show, you said I could, you can't get it back!

Tifa G: I didn't say anything!

Kinneas: Yes you did! You want my job, you are jealous! BWAHAHAHA!!!!

Tifa G: But I…

Casey: Technically you did say something when you said "I didn't say anything!"

Tifa G: CASEY! Why are you against me?

Kinneas: HAHAHAHA. Okay, on today's show, THAT I AM HOSTING! Ha, take that Lila. **coughs** On today's show Akira Silveracious Majere will be interview that pathetic excuse for a man, Hojo.

Tifa G: Kin, you can't say that. You have to be fair to the-

****

Kinneas punt kicks Tifa G out of Fanatic.

Kinneas: I HOST! Let's go get Akira Silveracious Majere. 

~*~*~*~

****

Somewhere far away, Rufus Shinra and Sephiroth can be seen having a discussion with a shadowy figure. 

Shadowy Figure: So do we have a deal?

Rufus: Yeah sure, whatever. **examines his nails**

Shadowy figure grabs Rufus by his jacket and lifts him off the ground. Rufus feet dangle a few inches off the ground. Sephiroth smirks at poor Rufus' predicament. 

Shadowy Figure: Do we have a deal or not?

Rufus: Yes! Now put me down you psychopathic Hojo experiment reject!

****

The shadowy figure drops Rufus on his ass and Sephiroth laughs manically.

Shadowy Figure: Careful pretty boy, or your next.

Sephiroth: You think I'm pretty? I'm cute! **prances around** I'm cute! Cute and oh so pretty! 

Rufus: If you will excuse us, my associate and I need to have a conversation. **bashes Sephiroth over the head with his shotgun** You are not cute nor pretty! I am the Shinra pin-up boy! NOT YOU!

****

Shadowy Figure sees where this conversation is leading up to and bolts.

~*~*~*

****

Elsewhere Kinneas and Casey are on a mad hunt for Akira Silveracious Majere. Actually, they are sitting on a bench waiting for Akira Silveracious Majere to accidentally stumble upon them.

Casey: Usually we are suppose to go get them, not have them come to us.

Kinneas: Who's hosting the show?

Casey: Is that a trick question?

Kinneas: Do you want it to be?

Casey: No.

Kinneas: You sure?

Casey: Yes.

Kinneas: Really?

Casey: Yes.

Kinneas: Really?

Casey: Yes.

Kinneas: REALLY?!?!?

Akira Silveracious Majere: Yes really!

****

Kinneas turns to Casey and sticks her tongue out.

Kinneas: Told ya she would find us! **jumps to her feet and grabs Akira Silveracious Majere's hand shaking is madly** Hi! I'm Kinneas and you have been chosen to appear on Fanatic to interview **cough** Hojo….

Akira Silveracious Majere: Really? Let's go!!!

~*~*~*

****

First Impressions

Akira Silveracious Majere: I'm gonna meet Hojo! **hugs her Hojo plushie** For a souvenir, I think I'm going to steal his lab coat! Cause I've always wanted a nice big white lab coat! Like the nice happy men wear!

Hojo: Jenova oh great bringer of life! **coughs** Fans… Fans… I shall use this fan to make a legion of fan clones! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

~*~*~*

****

Steam billows around Kinneas, Casey, and Akira Silveracious Majere are standing in Shinra's version of a Japanese bathhouse. Casey gapes at Reno and Tseng who are lounging up to their chins in a big pool. Kinneas 'eeps' as Palmer walks by in the buck. Akira Silveracious Majere is searching around from Hojo. All three girls are, thankfully, dressed.

Kinneas: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Casey: I second that.

Akira Silveracious Majere: HOJO!!! Where is my Hojo?

****

Hojo walks up dressed in his normal attire. Casey and Kinneas sigh happily till President Shinra walks by, also in the nude and playfully slaps Akira Silveracious Majere's ass. Kinneas and Casey bolt.

Akira Silveracious Majere: DIE! **jabs at President Shinra with her Spork of Doom™ **

Hojo: Are you my fan?

Akira Silveracious Majere: I AM! **they sit in a corner, only after kicking some poor sap out of it. **I've got questions!

Hojo: Fire away.

Akira Silveracious Majere: To start off, why the cheatin ho Lucrecia? Were you insane!

Hojo: Well, you see, I knew Lucrecia would have gone along with the experiment. She was so dedicated to her work. 

Akira Silveracious Majere: So you didn't love her?

Hojo: No, for I love only one **balls fists and thrusts them into the air** JENOVA! Oh great bringer of life!

Akira Silveracious Majere: That's nice. It's amusing that you knew Lucci-deary was cheatin' on you with Vinny, why did you allow it?

Hojo: She cheated on me with Valentine?

Akira Silveracious Majere: Uh… yeah.

Hojo: I… **bursts into sobs** I didn't **sniff** know! **wails**

Akira Silveracious Majere: I thought you said you didn't love her?

Hojo: **sighs** I know.

Akira Silveracious Majere: O-kay… How did you get such a hottie for a son? I think the planet is dying to know. 

Hojo: I use to be quite dashing in my youth. **adjusts his glasses**.

Akira Silveracious Majere: Of course. Okay, I believe it's a tradition, boxers or briefs? Or do ya like is breezy? **winks**

Hojo: Some day's boxers other days I prefer flying free!

Akira Silveracious Majere: How did you get so obsessed with Jenova.

Hojo: JENOVA! Bringer of life! I think Jenova is so interesting because little is known about her. We don't know where she came from or how she has managed to stay alive for all these years. 

Akira Silveracious Majere: Interesting thoughts there. Why did you wound Ifalna so badly since she was the last of her kind?

Hojo: I did not harm her. But when she escaped those damn guards disregarded my orders and try to stop her by shooting her. Those particular guards are no longer with us.

Akira Silveracious Majere: If you still had control of Sephy-kun and Aerith-chan, what your plans be?

Hojo: To breed them and get a super Cetra!

Akira Silveracious Majere: **grabs Hojo's hands, eyes lighting up **Really?

Hojo: **eyes sparkle** Really!

Akira Silveracious Majere: I knew there was a great reason I liked you! Okay, what are your thoughts on all this you and Vincent yaoi?

Hojo: Horrible, simply horrible.

Akira Silveracious Majere: What do you look for in a lab assistant?

Hojo: One that shares my enthusiasm for science.

Akira Silveracious Majere: Hey, there tiger, are ya single?

Hojo: I am married to my science.

****

Akira Silveracious Majere scowls. Without warning she jumps Hojo and pries him out of his lab coat and dashes off.

~*~*~*

****

Second Impression

Akira Silveracious Majere: Hojo is just so cool! **snuggles the lab coat**

Hojo: My lab coat! My beloved lab coat and she stole it! I've had that coat forever! It was my favorite, in fact the only one I owned.

****

Casey wanders up and pats Hojo on the shoulder. Glancing up at the Shinra building, glad to be out of the bathhouse.

Casey: Sorry to hear 'bout your lab coat Hojo. 

Hojo: Say, my dear Casey…

Casey: Uh-oh….

****

Hojo grabs Casey and hauls her off to the lab. Still intent on making a legion of clone fans that will take over the world and spread the word that Hojo is supreme god!!! ALL HAIL HOJO! FOR HE IS THE… the author wrestles the keyboard away from Hojo and resumes. Elsewhere, Kinneas is in a tight pickle… Mmm…. Pickles.

Kinneas: Hey Rufus, Sephiroth. Listen, you know I'm not normally the host, so I don't see why you have to go after me.

Sephiroth: Llaw ehT!

Kinneas: What?

Rufus: Idiot! It only works with Redrum! He means The Wall!

****

Kinneas laughs and runs. Rufus and Sephiroth give her a head start cause they are just sportsman like sports players. Kinneas hauls ass and comes across Tifa G, sitting cross-legged in President Shinra's office with Akira Silveracious Majere.

Kinneas: TIFA G!!!

Tifa G: I am meditating right now! Okay, become one with the lab coat. You are one with the lab coat.

Akira Silveracious Majere: I am one with the lab coat. I am one with the lab coat.

Kinneas: You gotta help me! Hojo kidnapped Casey and Rufus and Sephiroth are after me!

Tifa G: You are the host, you have to deal with it. You are one with the lab coat. You are one with the lab coat.

Kinneas: Okay, okay, you can be host again!

Tifa G: You promise to never steal the job from me again? And resume being my bodyguard?

Kinneas: Yes, yes! Anything!

Tifa G: Excellent. As bodyguard it is your job to deal with Rufus and Sephiroth while I continue meditating with Akira Silveracious Majere.

****

Kinneas stares blankly. She opens her mouth to scream something and gets pounced on by Rufus and Sephiroth.

Tifa G: You are one with the lab coat.

Akira Silveracious Majere: I am one with the lab coat!

~*~*~*

****

Authors Note: I know I said Scarr was next, but I'm taking extra time on that one and it should be done so. So for the time being… HOJO! Hope you enjoyed and please remember to review.


	14. Fanatic: Tifa Lockhart

****

Fanatic: Tifa Lockhart

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~

****

The camera sweeps in to show Kinneas and Casey Crystal pointing at Tifa Gainsborough and laughing hysterically. 

Kinneas: Four eyes!

Casey: Nerd!

Tifa G: Knock it off! **pushes her new glasses up farther on her nose **It's not funny! Besides, we have a new episode of Fanatic to do. One that Kinneas will, thankfully, not be hosting.

Kinneas: I resent that. **twitches**I did a fine ass job hosting. Speaking of fine asses…

Casey: Please Kinneas, we don't want to hear about how Aya, Shuildich, Vincent, Tidus or whoever else you may name off that has a fine ass.

Tifa G: Thank you Casey for reminding us about the many fine asses out there. And yes Kinneas, you did a fine job except now Rufus and Sephiroth have filed restraining orders against us! That's unheard of. Mega villains getting restraining orders against the people they are trying to kill. Defeats the whole purpose. Anyways, on today's show Chicky Tifa will be interview Tifa Lockhart.

Kinneas: Great… You two aren't going to do that whole Teef bit are you?

Tifa G: We shall see my young apprentice, we shall see!

~*~*~*~

****

The scene changes to Wall Market. Tons of people are gathered outside 'Tone Deaf and Loving It', a brand spankin new karaoke bar. The idea of waiting in line is not in Tifa G's brain and she storms her way into the bar. People in line see the camera and begin to act stupid. Camera's often have that effect on people, no one knows why.

Person 1: Look at me Ma! I'm on TV!

Person 2: I'm ready for my close-up **blows kisses at the camera**

Person 3: I wanna say hi to Quinkie! **grabs the camera** QUINKIE! Don't ignore me! I'm your number 1 fan! I LOVE YOU QUINKIE!

Person 4: Twinkies?!?! WHERE!

****

Casey moves in and shoves everybody away from the camera, getting a wide distance between her and the Quinkie obsessed fan and the Twinkie maniac. 

Casey: I just don't get it about camera's. **adjusts her hair and gives the camera a toothy grin** I mean, what the big deal about being on TV?

****

In the karaoke bar people are gathered around the main stage. Chicky Tifa is adjusting the volume of the speakers, preparing to drive the audience either deaf or wishing for it.

Chicky Tifa: TEEF!

Tifa G: Hey TEEF!

Chicky Tifa: Come sing a song with me!

****

Tifa G leaps onto the stage and grabs a microphone.

Chicky Tifa: Somewhere over the Meteor!

Tifa G: Way up in the sky!

Chicky Tifa: There's a land that I heard of.

Tifa G: Once in a Hojo nightmare!

Chicky Tifa: Somewhere over the Meteor!

Tifa G: Sephiroth's not insane!

Chicky Tifa: And the dreams that you dare to dreams!

Tifa G and Chicky Tifa: Are really just Jenova induced!

****

The crowd stares blankly for a few minutes. Chicky Tifa reaches to turn on another song and the crowd bursts into applauds. Chicky Tifa and Tifa G climb off the stage blowing kisses to the group and signing autographs.

Kinneas: You know **whispers to Casey** They are only doing that so they don't have to hear another song.

Casey: Thank God for that!

Tifa G: So Chicky, we are here to tell you that you have been chosen to interview Tifa Lockhart!

Chicky Tifa: Waahoo!!!

~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Chicky Tifa: I am so excited I get to interview Tifa Lockhart. I mean, how cool is it to be able to interview the person with which you share your name. I hope she is really nice and answers all my questions.

Tifa: So my fan is a female? That is great, thankfully I won't get a question about my breasts being real or fake. But I look forward to seeing what type of questions my fan has for me.

~*~*~*

****

The location switches to the scary inn at the Gold Saucer. Tifa is sitting at a table in the lobby keeping a watchful eye for any ghosts that may pop out of the woodwork or even worse Cait Sith.

Kinneas: TIFA G! That's mean.

Tifa G: Sorry… So Chicky, do you got all of your questions.

Chicky Tifa: I do and am ready to do my interview.

****

Chicky Tifa walks over and has a seat at the table across from Tifa. They smile and exchange greetings.

Chicky Tifa: Okay, first question. Why do you dress so scantily when you know everyone's perving in on you?

Tifa: Well, I do work in a bar. Sometimes I have to dress a certain way in hopes of getting customers. As long as they are paying, I don't really mind that they stare at me. I take pleasure in knowing that if any of them get too cocky I can kick their ass, miniskirt or not.

Chicky Tifa: That is very true. I bet the guy would have a pretty hurt ego if a girl in a miniskirt could kick his ass. Okay, second question. Are you attracted to women in any way?

Tifa: I am not. 

Chicky Tifa: Which one of the Turks tickles your pickle?

Tifa: Well now, that is an interesting question.

Chicky Tifa: They get better, just you wait and see.

Tifa: All right. I suppose that the Turk I would chose would probably be Rude. He is silent yet strong and I bet that he would know how to treat a lady politely. Even if he is a Turk.

Chicky Tifa: That's sweet. Were you connected to Aerith's death in any way?

Tifa: Of course not! I am greatly appalled by the authors out there that portray me as being uncaring and even happy that Sephiroth killed Aerith. We only knew each other for a short time, but she was still my friend. She did not deserve to die that way, it was horrible.

Chicky Tifa: That is so sweet! Why is your hair so long?

Tifa: I just like it that way. I don't really care what others think about it or about the way I dress.

Chicky Tifa: If you had to be a vegetable, which would you be and why?

Tifa: I don't know, I never really gave it much of a thought. Not anything that would be considered a phallic symbol, that's for sure. Probably something like a tomato, yeah that works. A tomato!

Chicky Tifa: Why not anything phallic?

Tifa: Um… **coughs** Next question.

Chicky Tifa: In your limit break, Dolphin Blow, how does a dolphin magically appear all of a sudden?

Tifa: I'm not entirely sure how that works. I have tried before to figure it out, but it's really just magic.

Chicky Tifa: Are there any truth in the rumors going around that you're opening a porn house for flowers?

Tifa: A what! I have no idea what you are implying but I am doing nothing of the sort! A porn house for flowers, that's a ridiculous idea.

Chicky Tifa: It's just a question. Okay, what's going on between you and Cloud? Inquiring minds need to know.

Tifa: Nothing really. I do have feelings for Cloud, but right now we are simply friends.

Chicky Tifa: Speaking of Cloud **grins madly** Is it true you and Cloud used to molest Chocobo's together?

Tifa G: Oh dear lord…

Tifa: Excuse me?

Chicky Tifa: You know, take Chocobo's and do stuff to them… sexual stuff. **winks**

Tifa: I… I… Th-that… You are so dead!

~*~*~*~*

****

Second Impression

Tifa G: We are gathered here to pay remembrance to our dearly departed friend, Chicky Tifa. Fanatic has suffered it's first casualty, but… Chicky must know she did something very noble in allowing Tifa to beat her to a bloody pulp. Because the ratings went through the roof!!!

Casey: Um, Tifa G?

Tifa G: Yes?

Casey: Chicky Tifa isn't dead.

Tifa G: I know that! But I was really hoping for a ratings boost.

Chicky Tifa: Thanks a lot Teef… Besides! It's my second impression time. Tifa was really cool, although I'm very upset she didn't answer my question about the whole molesting Chocobo incident. 

Tifa: That girl is so dead! I can't believe that she dare to use my name and then talk such slander about me and Cloud. She will die!

~*~*~*~*

Tifa G: Well, that does it for another Fanatic. We almost pulled off our first successful casualty. But unfortunately **coughs** I'm mean thankfully, Chicky is still alive.

Casey: You know, it's just not the same without Rufus and Sephiroth chasing after us.

Tifa G: I know… maybe next episode they will have changed their mind.

Casey: And the next episode will be?

Tifa G: Yuffie Kisaragi. This time I promise!

****

Kinneas comes running towards Tifa G and Casey, looking very excited.

Kinneas: Guess what! Rufus and Sephiroth lifted the restraining order! Isn't that great?

****

A great shadow falls over them. They glance up to see Meteor bearing down on them.

Tifa G: Um… perhaps…

****

The scene goes dark and static can be heard

~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Yes, next time I promise that Yuffie will be next. And yes the song is a horrible butchering of "Over the Rainbow", forgive me whoever wrote it. And Quinkie, sorry about the obsessed fan ^_^

****

Note: Currently, I am not and repeat NOT accepting new people for interviews. I am very behind on the ones I already have. I will let you all know when I am ready to begin accepting again. I may even do another Final Fantasy, I am not sure. Hope you have enjoyed. If you would like to join a Fanatic mailing list, let me know by mentioning it in a review. Please leave an e-mail addy, that is very helpful ^_^


	15. Fanatic: Yuffie Kisaragi

****

Fanatic: Yuffie Kisaragi

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

Kinneas and Casey Crystal are standing around, looking rather bored. Occasionally they toss pieces of cheese at each other, but that's about it. Tifa Gainsborough is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, a storm of Sakura blossoms blow in and Tifa G appears.

Kinneas: You find the most interesting ways to appear.

Tifa G: It's a gift.

Casey: That you stole from Seishirou.

Tifa G: If I stole it, it wouldn't be a gift. **turns to the camera and waves happily** Welcome to Fanatic, I'm your host as always, Tifa Gainsborough. I also have my two trusty and I use that in the lightest terms, bodyguards. Casey Crystal and Kinneas.

Kinneas: Glad to know we are loved.

Tifa G: I know, I just radiate love.

Casey: That's not the only thing you radiate.

Tifa G: **face turns into an ugly mask** What…

****

Casey hides behind Kinneas who tries to hide behind Casey who tries to hide behind Kinneas. Tifa G turns and points to the camera.

Tifa G: Guess what everybody! We survived our little run-in with Sephiroth's Meteor! And I nearly got smooshed!

Kinneas: And you are proud of this?

Tifa G: Of course!

Casey: Simply proves you are more insane than the normal human.

****

Tifa G smiles politely and bashes Casey over the head with a mallet. Casey grins, points at the blue pock dotted chocobo's circling her head and passes out.

Kinneas: Was that really necessary?

****

Tifa G nods happily and bashed Kinneas over the head also.

Tifa G: Of course. Anywho… on today's Fanatic, the wonderful Scarr will be interviewing Yuffie Kisaragi. **claps her hands cheerfully** I get to have Scarr on the show… this is really a honor. Let's go get her!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

****

The three walk into a chess hall slash bar. Boys in three inch thick glasses are intermingled with men drunk off their ass talking to their reflections. Tifa G looks a little unsure as to which section to look in first. But looking unsure isn't a new thing for Tifa G. Grabbing a beer bottle from a passing waitress, she breaks it on the table. Everybody looks up. Casey and Kinneas make a quick retreat.

Tifa G: Hello! I am looking for -

Random drunk person: Bar fight!

****

Everybody launches themselves towards Tifa G_._

Tifa G: Eep…

****

A few painful minutes later, Tifa G extracts herself from the bottom of the pile looking a little worse for wear. The group of drunken men continue to fight their drunken bar fight. Soon though they are sprawled out on the floor, hugging, and telling each other how much they truly love one another.

Drunk 1: I love you man!

Drunk 2: No way man, I love you!

Casey: I think I'm going to hurl. 

Tifa G: Well now, that is interesting. As I was trying to say before being so rudely interrupted, I am looking for Scarr!

Random mingling person: She is in the back playing a game of chess with Jennifer.

Somebody in back: THAT'S JENZY!

Random mingling person: Um… yeah, Jenzy. **wanders off** kooks. 

Tifa G: **skips towards the back happily humming a tune to herself** This has got to be my lucky day!

Casey: Please don't butcher another song!

Tifa G: WHAT THE!!! **jumps up, nearly striking the ceiling **Where the hell did you come from?

Kinneas: Well you see, many years ago a man and woman fell in love…

Tifa G: LALALALALALALA, I'm not hearing this!

Kinneas: **raises her voice to be heard** Then they get married or not. On the wedding night is when all the fun is suppose to being. You see they-

****

Casey covers Kinneas mouth as they reach the back room.

Tifa G: Thank you. **reaches the table where Scarr and Jenzy are busy playing a game of chess. ** Hello, I am here because-

Scarr: I know why you are here. I know everything! I see all! **climbs up on the table and chess pieces go flying** I am-

Jenzy: Ruining a perfectly good chess game. A game, I might add, that I was winning!

Tifa G: Are you ready to interview Yuffie?

Scarr: That's the reason you where here? I didn't know…

****

Everybody stares blankly. Scarr walks out of the room looking very amused at something. Tifa G, Casey, and Kinneas follow with dumbstruck looks on their face. 

~*~*~*~

****

First Impression

Scarr: I greatly look forward to interviewing Yuffie. I do have some wonderful questions. And it's about damn time Tifa G got around to doing my interview! And this better be good or heads will roll!

Yuffie: I always thought everybody hated me! But this just proves me wrong, I have a fan! A most wonderful and loyal fan. Who must love me, if they want to interview me. I hope it's a hot guy with tons of Materia!

~*~*~*~

****

Everybody is mingling around 64th floor of the Shinra building. Yuffie is sitting at a table near the Turks lounge. Occasionally a familiar red head sticks his head out then quickly escapes back into the shelter of the lounge. 

Tifa G: Ready?

Scarr: Of course. **walks over to the table and has a seat across from Yuffie. **Good day Yuffie.

Yuffie: Hello!

Scarr: First question, what's with the fishing nets? Some fashion statement?

Yuffie: I suppose you could say I got into a fight with a fisherman and lost, horribly. Actually yes, it is just a strange fashion statement.

Scarr: Thought so. All right, this is a classic. I notice your fly is open, why?

Yuffie: Would you believe that my shorts are to small?

Scarr: No…

Yuffie: Thought so… it's just another strange fashion statement I have.

Scarr: You have a very strange sense of style. Okay, you know you can stop the little charade with Reno! We know the both of you are pointlessly denying your affections for each other.

Reno: **from inside the lounge, fearful to emerge** I don't like her!

Yuffie: He's lying. Our relationship is very complex actually. That whole opposites attract is what you could call it. Besides, he has a fine ass! And he loves to dance in the nude!

Reno: YUFFIE! You are so dead!

Scarr: Is that so? In the nude… is he, you know?

Yuffie: Oh yes!

Reno: YUFFIE!!!

Scarr: Okay, interesting. Next question. What was your mother like?

Yuffie: My mother was a very kind woman. When she died I was devastated, even though I was very young. She had a great compassion for Wutai and all of it's people. I miss her very much.

Scarr: Speaking of Wutai, what are your dreams for it?

Yuffie: I want it returned to the way it was before the war. Now, it's too much of a tourist attraction.

Scarr: Who would you rather spend a gondola ride with: Heidigger, Scarlet, Elena, Aerith, Sephiroth, the unfortunate male in Rocket Town's laboratory or Tifa Gainsborough.

Tifa G: HEY! That's not funny.

Yuffie: Damn straight it's not funny. The thought of having to ride in a gondola with her is just scary. I suppose I would choose Scarlet. There are so many interesting questions I would like to ask her.

Scarr: If you could alter any part of your body…

Yuffie: People seem to think that I am unhappy with my body. I'm a ninja, I don't want major curves and breasts that hang to me knees slowing me down. But I would change… probably my ears I guess.

Scarr: If you could be any other Final Fantasy VII character for a day, who would the **cough**bloodyunlucky**cough **person be?

Yuffie: I suppose it would be interesting to be Nanaki for a day. To see what it was like to be a talking cat!

Scarr: If you had to form a band with any three people in Avalanche or Shinra, who would you choose? 

Yuffie: I guess I would choose Reno, Aerith, and perhaps Cloud. But defiantly Reno, I would molest him onstage **grins**

Tifa G and Kinneas: Molesting… **sigh** Gackt.

Scarr: Um… frightening, very frightening. Last question. If you were a guy, would you go out w- um, scratch that!

Yuffie: Would I what?

Scarr: I didn't say anything! You can't prove it! I'm innocent! **Scarr** **bolts into the lounge, a few seconds later Reno runs out screaming**

~*~*~*~

****

Second Impression

Scarr: Yuffie was very nice and answered my questions wonderfully. Although that was an interesting bit of information about Reno. If it ever came down to it, I could use it as blackmail! HAHAHAHA!

Yuffie: Nice fan I have, although a little on the odd side near the end. Her questions were very nice, although some where a bit strange. And it is always fun to torture Reno.

~*~*~*~

Tifa G: Well, that does it for another fanatic. I only have, **begins to count the ones left** Oh man…

Casey: Tifa G, have you writ-

Tifa G: NO!

Kinneas: Ender e-mailed wanting to kn-

Tifa G: NOOOO!

Casey: Tifa G, Andreah wis-

Tifa G: NOOOO **runs screaming from the scene. Flailing her arms wildly she screams all the way to the happy house.**

Kinneas: Do you suppose it was something we said?

Casey: Doubt it… Bye everybody!

Kinneas: BYE! See you next time!

~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: Look! I got Yuffie's fanatic out, finally… Forgive me Scarr for the very long wait, I am dreadfully sorry. Up next… Tseng!Remember people, I own nothing.


	16. Fanatic: Tseng

Fanatic: Tseng

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~

****

Tifa Gainsborough is sitting in a pretty white padded room. Wearing a spiffy white jacket. Rocking back and forth singing something off key to herself.

Tifa G: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

Kinneas: I know!

Tifa G: Nobody knows the pain.

Kinneas: I do!

Tifa G: Shut up! This is my moment!

Kinneas: It's always your moment! When's it going to be mine! Somebody has to love me too! **runs out of the padded room screaming**

Tifa G: It's raining men, do dodo do! It's raining men, do dodo do!

****

The camera pulls out of the room to reveal Casey Crystal standing by the door dressed in a doctors lab coat. She gives a bright smile and waves to the camera.

Casey: Welcome to Fanatic! Due to Tifa G's current mental breakdown and Kinneas' insane need for love, I will be today's host.

Tifa G: Casey?

Casey: Yes?

Tifa G: BRAINS! **giggles madly**

Casey: Yes, brains, weirdo. On today's show, Tseng will be interviewed by Andreah. Let's go get the lucky girl.

~*~*~*~

****

The camera zooms in on Casey, sitting at the bar of a cyber café, sipping a latte. In the back of the café, Andreah can be seen beating on her computer with a bat. Casey walks over, dodging the pieces of computer flying everywhere.

Andreah: You piece of SHIT why the hell won't you work I paid good money to come to this cyber café and you better work you piece of shit I hate you I hate you so very very much yes I loath you!

Casey: Somewhere, Quinctia fainted from the horrible grammar in that last sentence.

Random Flamer: That's grammer! 

Casey: Like I really care. Andreah!

****

Andreah turns around, bat poised to strike. She lowers the bat temporarily when she sees it is in fact not a talking, walking, really big and scary computer. Seeing it's Casey, she raises the bat again.

Andreah: CASEY! Well… um… you see, I didn't like the cage. **throws the bat away, nailing the random flamer and throws herself at Casey's feet** Don't put me back in the cage! PLEASE!

Casey: Um, okay. But I am really here to tell you that you have been chosen to interview Tseng from the Turks on Fanatic!

Andreah: Where is Tifa G?

Casey: Gah! I tell you you can interview Tseng and the first thing you ask is where is Tifa G? Why does that worry me.

Andreah: Did you just say I get to interview Tseng?!?

Casey: Yeah, that's what I said.

Andreah: YAY! Tseng, Tseng, Tseng, Tseng!

Casey: I can see why Tifa G was driven crazy by this show.

~*~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Andreah: OH BOOOOOOOOOOOOY! I get to meet Tseng! **squeezes her Tseng plushie** I've got all of these great questions, yup, yup! **gets a mad glint in her eye** And if he doesn't answer, I'm gonna shove this plushie up his ass, yup, yup!

Tseng: I find it amazing, I am the leader of the Turks and both those screw ups Reno and Rude get to be interviewed before me. But the day has finally come. **cackles** A great fan has come to see me, the magnificent Tseng, leader of the Turks!

~*~*~*~

****

Casey and Andreah stand near the gate of Nibelhiem, watching Tseng do a balancing act of the well. Teetering, he takes a dive with a loud crash on the landing. Jumping to his feet, he looks around and sighs, seeing nobody saw his great diving act. Andreah walks over, smiling and waving madly.

Andreah: HI! Tseng I never knew you were so graceful.

Tseng: Uh **blushes** thanks, I think. So you are my fan?

Andreah: That's right! I'm Andreah, bringer of questions and wielder of the Tseng plushie! Now, onto the questions. Is that dot on your forehead real?

Tseng: Yes, it has to do with my… **Tseng tries to make away and Andreah gets up close and peers at his dot** heritage. 

Andreah: Cool. What prompted you to be a Turk?

Tseng: I wanted to get away from my family. A Turk at the time was a great role model for me. I wanted to follow in his footsteps.

Andreah: So, have you had any past relationships?

Tseng: Off and on. But nothing too serious.

Andreah: TRADITION TIME!!! **the force of her yell sends Tseng tumbling off the well yet again** Boxers or briefs, Tsengie pooh!

Tseng: Briefs.

Andreah: Nifty. Do you know how sexy you are? Because you are extremely sexy.

Tseng: I have been told once or twice. But I tend to just pass it off.

Andreah: Poor Tseng. How can you put up with Elena?!

Tseng: She really isn't all that bad. But sometimes it takes talent to not stop and strangle her for releasing valuable information.

Andreah: If you had a choice, would you have chosen a different fate?

Tseng: I don't know. That is a difficult question. Can we skip it?

Andreah: Sure! Will you go out with me?

Tseng: Do I have to?

Andreah: NO! I ask the question here!

Tseng: I'll think about it.

Andreah: Score one point for Andreah! He's gonna think about it, praise the day, gonna think about it. Can I touch your hair?

Tseng: I guess that is reasonable.

****

Andreah reaches out and gently pets Tseng's hair. A few minutes later, Casey and Tseng are able to detach Andreah from Tseng's hair. Although she makes away with a big handful.

Andreah: Thank you! **cuddles her new locks of hair** May I kiss you now?

Tseng: Excuse me… **makes a mad dash for the nearest train**

~*~*~*~

****

Second Impressions 

Andreah: I love Tseng, his hair is so beautiful. **strokes the locks of hair. **Yes hair, you are beautiful. And you are all mine!

Tseng: Oh dear lord, my hair! She stole some of my hair!!!

~*~*~*~

****

Back in the happy hospital, Casey decides it's time to visit with Tifa G. Peering in the special padded room, she sees Tifa G and Daze Riot engrossed in a game of Kingdom Hearts.

Tifa G: NO! You have to jump here.

Daze: He won't jump!

Tifa G: JUMP!

Daze: I CAN'T! Now look what happened, Donald is laughing at me and the heartless have made off with my soul.

Tifa G: You mean heart!

Daze: WHATEVER! **throws the controller at the TV** I give up… hey Casey.

Tifa G: CASEY! **latches on to Casey** Please don't leave me in this horrible place. You see, Conlan came to me in a dream and threatened to steal all my soda! I must protect my precious, precious soda!

Casey: So you aren't crazy anymore?

Tifa G: Let me check… **has a deep meaningful bordering on crazy conversation with the wall **Yep, I'm sane again!

Casey: Good! Let's go find Kinneas and get out of this crazy place! See you on the next Fanatic.

Daze and Tifa G: BYE BYE!

~*~*~*~

****

Authors Note: All standard disclaimers apply. Thanks for reading.


	17. Fanatic: Cid Highwind

Fanatic: Cid Highwind

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~*~

****

Tifa Gainsborough and Casey Crystal peer cautiously around a corner. From inside the room, the sound of Dir en grey can be heard blasting from three speakers. Kinneas is dancing in the room, a one woman mosh pit. 

Kinneas: Yes Kyo! Eat your pie you sexy man. **Kinneas sings along with the music, adding her own lyrics **Do that crazy dance, eat your crazy pie!

Casey: Should we do something? I'm afraid she might hurt herself.

Tifa G: I'm afraid to get in the way of a Kinneas Dir en grey Dance Moment™. I suppose we just wait until the song is over.

****

Twenty minutes later Kinneas is still dancing, having moved onto Gackt music.

Tifa G: THAT'S IT!!! **charges in and turns the cd player off** I have had just about enough of th- ACK!

****

Tifa G stumbles backwards, a berry pie stuck firmly to her face. Casey rolls around the corner, laughing hysterically. Kinneas glares and Casey quickly shuts up.

Kinneas: How dare you turn off Gackt! That should be a sin or something. A J-pop sin! You Gackt hater, J-pop sinner you!

Tifa G: Sowwy. **tugs the pie off her face, pieces of berry clinging to her nose. Glancing up, she spots the camera. **Holy crap on a shiznick! Has that been rolling the entire time?!?

Casey: I thought you knew.

Tifa G: NO! Why don't people tell me these things. Any who, welcome to Fanatic. I'm out of the happy hospital and feeling great! On today's episode every body's favorite chain smoking, tea drinking, shift symbol swearing pilot Cid Highwind is getting interviewed. 

Kinneas: Oh good, somebody who isn't out to kill us. Speaking of which, where have Sephiroth and Rufus gone to?

Casey: Last I checked, they were doing fund raising to feed starving villains. **shrugs** That or they are hatching another scheme to kill us.

Tifa G: Hey! Who's show is this? Fanatic hosted by Tifa Gainsborough with Kinneas and Casey. Or Feed the Starving Villains of Squaresoft with Sephiroth and Rufus?

****

Silence.

Tifa G: That's what I thought! Now, lets go get Bree!

Kinneas: Uh Tifa G… It's Britney, Bree is for Red XIII.

Casey: Are you sure you have spent enough time at the happy hospital?

Tifa G: YES! Now then, lets go get Britney!

~*~*~

Kinneas: It's amazing how many places are not in the Final Fantasy VII universe but seem to keep sprouting up like weeds!

Casey: Fanfic weeds! Then we have those diseases.

Tifa G: Diseases?

Casey: You know, the abbreviated words. I had Yuffentine all last week, knocked me totally for a loop.

****

Tifa G and Kinneas shudder visibly at the mention of the blasphemes word. The ground shudders under their feet and all three are airborne. The nice little space of empty grass outside of Kalm has suddenly become a mall.

All: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

****

The three spin randomly through the air, arms flailing wildly. They come crashing down onto an unsuspecting mall customer. 

Unsuspecting mall customer: Oof…Would you mind getting off.

Tifa G: Would you happen to be Britney?

Unsuspecting mall customer: Yeah and? Is that going to make you move any faster?

Kinneas: We are with Fanatic. Casey! Get your elbow out of my face.

Britney: REALLY?!?!

****

The four detangle themselves and climb to their feet. 

Tifa G: That's right! We are here to inform you that you have been chosen to interview Cid Highwind.

Britney: WOOHOO!!!! Highwind here I come!

****

Tifa G loops her arm around Britney's shoulder. With a sad look, she gives everybody some heartbreaking news.

Tifa G: I broke the clicky thing on my laptops mouse pad. The mouse no longer makes clicky noises. I very sad.

****

Everybody looks a little unsure. Britney looks as though she is trying to decide whether she should run screaming or stick it out.

Tifa G: Well! Let's go!

~*~*~

****

First Impression

Britney: I am very excited to be interviewing Cid. I think he is extremely handsome and anybody that calls him otherwise deserves to have the Highwind flown up their #%$!

Cid: This is really %$(#*%& exciting. It's great that I get to meet $@(* good fans. Especially $@(* good fans that are %$(#*%& mine! That's is just so $@(* cool. **takes a drag of his cigarette. **$@(* good.

Tifa G: Does anybody have any idea what he just said?

Kinneas: No clue…

~*~*~

****

The Highwind soars over the skies. Tifa G and Britney are standing near the big ass window. Kinneas and Casey are harassing random members of the crew. Cid is standing hear the wheel, smoking a cigarette and cussing out the pilot.

Tifa G: Got all your questions?

Britney: Sure do! **skips over the Cid, waving around her clipboard of questions **Hello Cid!

Cid: Hey. You the fan?

Britney: That would be me! I'm Britney, and I have questions. First, where did you get that hat?

Cid: I think I got it as a gift from Shera. Although I can't be certain.

Britney: **grumbles something under her breath then smiles happily at Cid **That is nice. Exactly why the cigarettes?

Cid: When you spend a good majority of your life waiting to go into outer space you gotta find something to do with your spare time. That is what I chose to do with my spare time. 

Britney: Interesting. How did Shera come about?

Cid: She just kinda showed up one day. She was good with tools so I kept her around. Besides, she makes a mean cup of tea.

Britney: All famous question.

Tifa G: YAYNESS! The tradition lives on!

Britney: So it does. Boxers or briefs?

Cid: I'm a boxers man.

Britney: Can I fly the Highwind? **pouts **Please.

Cid: I suppose, just for a second.

****

Britney gleefully shoves the pilot out of the way and grabs the wheel. Everybody is thrown off their feet as Britney tries to make the Highwind do a barrel roll. When the Highwind finally rights itself, everybody is clinging to random objects. Casey is hanging upside down from the ceiling. Kinneas is buried under a pile of crewmembers. Tifa G has rolled through the open door and out of the cockpit. Taking out two people on the walkway.

Cid: Remind me NEVER to let anybody try and fly the Highwind ever again.

Britney: That was so much fun!!! All right, time for the next question. Does anybody ever call you a crusty old guy to your face? Cause YOU'RE NOT OLD, YOU'RE SO HANDSOME!

Cid: No and… **blushes and grumbles under his breath** thankyouevermuch.

Britney: May I kill Shera?

Tifa G: **from somewhere outside the cockpit **I LIKE Shera!

Cid: I don't think so. She's pretty handy to have around

Britney: Damn. **Everybody stares at her strangely **What? I can say something other then shift characters. How did you choose the spear as your weapon?

Cid: I like it. It is easy to handle. Plus it had a good reach, don't have to get up close and personal with your enemy.

Britney: Does Sephiroth scare you?

Cid: No. Simple as that.

Britney: Can we get married? **cuddles up close to Cid** Please?

****

The scene goes black, in the background there is sounds of scuffling, somebody swearing, and many unmentionable sounds. When the scene reappears Tifa G, Casey, Kinneas, and Britney are strewn out on top of a cliff. The Highwind soars away.

Kinneas: Well that was productive.

Casey: Do you realize Cid did not say a single cuss word in that entire interview.

Tifa G: I know, I'm scared too.

~*~*~

****

Second Impressions

Britney: Oh man! I got to drive the Highwind! I mean, WOW! That was just so cool, I will never be able to forget it for the rest of my life. Oh, and Cid was really cool too. 

Cid: That was one messed up fa-

****

The scene shifts suddenly to reveal Sephiroth and Rufus. 

Sephiroth: We interrupt this current program to bring you important information. Information that you can use to help others.

Rufus: Everyday a Squaresoft villain goes hungry. **A clip shows Seymour digging through a trash bin looks for food. **You can help stop these helpless misunderstood individuals from going hungry.

Sephiroth: By calling the number on your screen, you can help. Contribute a small donation to the Squaresoft Sta-

Tifa G: I DON'T THINK SO!!!

****

Tifa G, followed by Kinneas and Casey, storm the studio. 

Tifa G: Nobody cuts into my show! In a moment, you won't have to worry about starving, cause you will be dead! MUWAHAHAHA!

****

There is a scuffle, much swearing, and petty name calling. When the dust clears, Sephiroth and Rufus stand triumphant. Tifa G, Casey, and Kinneas sit on the floor bound by ropes. 

Casey: This is bad isn't it?

Tifa G: I think so.

Kinneas: **rolls eyes** Wonderful.

****

Sephiroth leans down, a shiny sparkly very sharp tack in hand. He grins wickedly and the camera fades out.

~*~*~

****

Authors Note: I am SO SORRY! I have three interviewers that I have neglected that I should have done a long time ago. Britney, Bree, and AngelKnight I am really sorry. Yours are coming up next, I promise ^_^


	18. Fanatic: Red XIII

Fanatic: Red XIII 

By Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~

****

Clips from the last episode are shown. The camera is fixed on Sephiroth's grinning face.

Announcer Dude: On the last episode of Fanatic. The host, Tifa Gainsborough and her two friends, Casey Crystal and Kinneas, were trapped by the diabolical Sephiroth and his pretty boy companion Rufus 'Prancing pretty pin-up boy toy' Shinra.

Rufus: HEY! Who writes this junk?

****

The scene flickers to show Reno, typing away gleeful on a typewriter. He gives the camera a thumbs up. Quick as lightening, man, talk about quick! The camera is back on Sephiroth's grinning face and Rufus sulking frown.

Sephiroth: Last I checked, you, lil Tifa Gainsborough, were highly overdue for a meeting with my tacks.

Tifa G: I resent that comment. And are you sure? Cause my day planner sure missed that part.

****

Sephiroth frowns and whips out his day planner.

Sephiroth: Look, it's right here, on the 20th of last month! My schedule reads exactly, 9:00 AM late breakfast with Kefka. 11:00 AM hair appointment to get split ends trimmed. **coughs** 1:30 PM find Aerith and give her apologizing flowers for the whole "Sword through the gut" incident. 4:00 PM if still alive, find Tifa Gainsborough and introduce her to Bob, the shiny new tack and his playmates. 7:00 PM summon Meteor, control planet enslaving AVALANCHE and torment nice new characters.

****

There is silence in the room. Even Rufus is taken aback. Tifa G pulls out her day planner and compares hers to his.

Tifa G: Nu-huh! I have one thing written down, sit in chair and look bored. And everybody knows that takes me all day to accomplish!

Casey: Excuse me! As wonderful as this whole little experience is, we are still tied up.

Kinneas: And we have an episode of Fanatic to do. Can't we make a deal or something? Cause as kinky as ropes are, this really is not working for me.

Tifa G: Um… I guess that is a good thing. How about we contribute all three of our salaries from all the Fanatic episode to Feed a Starving Squaresoft Villain. How does that sound?

Rufus: Fair enough.

****

The ropes are untied. Tifa G, Casey, and Kinneas shake hands with Rufus and Sephiroth. With a mad glint in her eyes, Tifa G skips out of the studio with a manic laugh. The scene shifts to show Tifa G, Kinneas and Casey in Nibelhiem.

Kinneas: I thought we didn't make a salary?

Casey: We don't.

Tifa G: Exactly! Of course by the time those two geniuses figure it out, we will be long gone. But we have a Fanatic episode to do! On today's episode Bree **Kinneas nods approvingly **will be interviewing Red XIII! Let's go get the lucky girl.

~*~*~

****

From the inside of Tifa's house, the sound of a piano being played can be heard. Tifa G and Kinneas, having left Casey outside to watch for Sephiroth and Rufus, climb the stairs. The piano music pauses as they reach the top of the steps. 

Piano playing person: I HATE YOU! **Grabs a chair and begins to pummel the living daylights, is that even possible? Out of the helpless piano. **I'll teach you not to give me good nifty treats like you do in the game! You stupid piano!

Tifa G: Bree? **Dodges a flying piece of what looked to be part of the piano. **Would you happen to be Bree?

Piano playing person: I would be her. Hey! I know you! Your, you know, the interview chick or something.

****

Kinneas laughs and Tifa G simply scowls.

Kinneas: Interview chick.

Tifa G: Exactly, that interview chick… You have been chosen to interview Red XIII. Which technically, would make you the interview chick. 

Kinneas: Careful Tifa G, you don't want to stretch your poor brain beyond it's capacity.

****

Bree does a victory dance on top of the mangled piano. Tifa G pounces on Kinneas, knocking her across the room, through a window, and hurtling towards the ground. Thankfully, Casey was their to break their fall.

Casey: Yeah sure… whatever.

~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Bree: I am really happy that I get to interview Red. I have some good questions that I want to ask him. I think he is a wonderfully complex character that I want to know so much about. Very nifty.

Red: I just have one word to sum up my feelings. AWESOME!

~*~*~

****

Red is sitting peacefully next to a cushiony chair at the Inn at Cosmo Canyon. Tifa G and Bree are standing at the entrance. Casey and Kinneas are out playing with the big fire outside.

Tifa G: Well, good luck.

Bree: Thank you very much. **Walks over and has a seat in the chair Red was sitting next to. **Hi! I'm Bree, I'm here to interview you. I just have to get this name out of the way right away. Which do you like better to be called, Red XIII or Nanaki?

Red: I greatly prefer to be called Nanaki. That was my birth name and most honorable to my family. Besides, Red XIII is something Hojo named me. And obviously anything relating to Hojo is bad.

Tifa G: I hear that!

Bree: Interesting. But do you mind being called Red?

Red: No, but I like Nanaki better, obviously.

Bree: I will remember that. Are you a feline or a canine?

Red: I'm not exactly sure if I fall into either of those categories. If I had to say which I was most like, I would say a feline. Since I like to think of myself as having the grace of a cat.

Bree: Nifty. Okay, I would ask boxers or briefs, since it is obviously a tradition, but since you don't wear anything, do you catch things on fire sometimes?

Red: I'm actually pretty good at making sure my tail doesn't catch anything on fair. Although there was this one time that I accidentally set Vincent's cape on fire. Obviously, that was not one of my more graceful moments. Also, Cid likes to light his cigarettes with my tail. 

Bree: Can I pet you?

Red: Um… I suppose.

****

Bree happily begins to pet Red. 

Tifa G: Soft! **Red looks over his shoulder to see Tifa G nuzzling Red's fur with her cheek. Glancing up, her cheeks flame crimson and she slowly backs off. **Sorry bout that, thought you meant everybody. I'll just uh… go crawl into a hole and die now. Excuse me.

Bree: O-kay. I think she has problems, I really do. 

Red: Obviously.

Bree: Can you talk to animals?

Red: Actually no. I have always been able to communicate with humans since my birth. But never have I been able to talk to an animal. Although I would find it to be interesting, to see what they had to say.

Bree: What was it like traveling with everyone?

Red: Not pleasant sometimes. Climbing up that ladder into the Highwind is a complete pain! Especially when you don't have fingers to grip it. But I saw lots of things, so it was interesting.

Bree: Do you miss your grandfather?

Red: He went somewhere?

Bree: Didn't he die?

Red: He did?

Bree: Yeah.

Red: Oh, then yes, I do miss him.

Bree: Well uh… **Blinks for a few minutes. Finally dragging herself back together. **Do you live by yourself?

Red: It's not like I need a house or anything. Anyplace comfortable that I can curl up in is just fine with me.

Bree: Are you lonely though? Cause it seems like that would be a lonely way to live.

Red: Sometimes I can get lonely with nobody to talk to.

Bree: Well, I hate my home, so can I live here with you, please? **Turns on the full force of the dreaded puppy dog eyes, people within three miles are blinded by the sheer wobbliness of them.**

Red: All right.

~*~*~

****

Second Impressions

Bree: Cosmos Canyon here I come! **Swings a giant nap sack over her shoulder. It has a sign on it reading "Cosmos Canyon or bust!"** This is gonna be great!

Red: How did I get talked into this? Oh well, she was nice, I'm sure she will be pleasant to have around.

~*~*~

Kinneas: I can't believe it's the end of this episode and we are alive!

Casey: What I can't believe is that Rufus and Sephiroth have not figured it out by now.

****

Tifa G comes over to join them at the big fire. Dirt is clinging to her hair, she literally found a hole to climb into. Thankfully, or maybe not for the starving villains, she is still alive and kicking. Stray rocks that is.

Tifa G: Do you realize I only have one Fanatic left to do? Cause nobody has written in requesting over characters. I mean, I thought I had more, but I don't.

Casey: Does this mean we are going to be out of a job?

Kinneas: Is that even possible?

Tifa G: I'm afraid so! After Elena… **sighs** no more. **Tifa G turns to the camera, puppy dog eyes going full blast. Kinneas and Casey have to shield their eyes to keep from falling under their powers. **Please people, more interviews… Write me! **Grabs onto the camera, pressing her nose into the glass. **PLEASE!


	19. Fanatic: Shera

****

Fanatic: Shera

****

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~

****

Casey Crystal and Kinneas are sitting in a lounge, playing a game of cards. The camera swoops in and the two ignore it. Slowly, the camera begins to move closer to an open door behind them. Pulling a little camera magic, the camera zooms in on Tifa Gainsborough.

Tifa Gainsborough: Come on now! 

****

Kinneas and Casey, intrigued by the noise come to investigate. Casey shrieks at the sight of Tifa G trying to flog a Chocobo into submission.

Kinneas: TEEF! What the hell are you doing!?!

Tifa G: I think somebody mentioned this fic was like beating a dead cow. And there are no freakin cows on this stupid Planet, trust me I looked, so I picked a Chocobo.

Casey: Well that's just great. But can you answer me two questions?

Tifa G: **momentarily pauses from whipping the Chocobo **Shoot.

Casey: One, why are you using a licorice whip? Two, that Chocobo is a stuffed toy!

  
Tifa G: I see your point. **takes a bite out of the rope**.

Kinneas: You are too weird for words. Oh and **points to the camera**

****

Tifa G sees the camera and beings to prance around the room, swinging her rope happily. Plowing into the camera man brings her prancing to a halt.

Casey: Glad to see things are getting back to normal.

Tifa G: Welcome back to Fanatic everybody! I love you all! **pulls the camera to her huggling it happily **And am so happy you all came back! Those that didn't… Well those that didn't we may not hear from anytime in the near future.

Kinneas: I refuse to bury anymore bodies! 

Tifa G: You actually bury them? Anyways! On today's episode of Fanatic **does a little dance** Raven will be interviewing Shera. Do you think she will make us a cup of tea?

Kinneas: I'm sure she will.

Casey: But I don't want to wrestle Cid for it. I don't think he is very happy with us. I mean, that whole Highwind incident. 

Tifa G: That was just an accident. I'm sure he didn't mean to do his Highwind limit break on us! Well…. Let's go get Raven!

~*~*~

****

The scene changes, Tifa G, Kinneas and Casey are huddled together, staring wide eyed around them. There are strange girls with interesting hair colors running around. A girl with bubblegum pink hair in pigtails skips by. Another with raven midnight black hair down to her knee's races by, chasing after another raven midnight black haired girl. Many are huddled around a life sized statue of Sephiroth holding a bouquet of flowers.

Casey: I'm scared!

Kinneas: So much pink! Where the hell are we!?! **beats off a green haired cat girl who is trying to get too friendly.**

Tifa G: Sueland. **eyes the Sephiroth statue wearily **I know Cas, I'm scared too.

Casey: They have their own land?!?

Kinneas: There are so many of them, they probably have their own planet! Now where is Raven, that cat girl is coming back again.

****

Near the back, a regular looking girl is standing on a soapbox with a microphone.

Raven: Now my Sue's! With my help you can have whichever bish you want! And in turn, you will help me control the planet! **insert evil laughter here.**

Tifa G: Raven! We have come to take you to interview Shera!

Raven: Yes! **leaps off the soapbox among cheers **I am so ha-urk!

****

Tifa G, Casey and Kinneas both grab Raven and run off, fighting their way out of the Sue's. Kinneas gets grabbed by the cat girl.

Kinneas: NO!!! Really, I'm not your type!

Cat Girl: I will love you and hug you and call you Sylver. **begins to drag Kinneas off.**

Kinneas: HELP ME!!! RAPE! FIRE! RAPE! ANYTHING!

****

Casey latches on to one of Kinneas' legs and hold on for dear life.

Tifa G: LOOK! A Bishounen and a Bishojo over there! **points in a random direction. The sue's all look over there. Kinneas wrestles her way free and the four run off screaming**.

~*~*~

****

First Impressions

Raven: Wow, this is really great that I get to interview Shera! I mean, she make's the greatest tea and well she is just plain cool!

Shera: Oh my… **sips some tea** I never realized that I have fans. **sips more tea** The Captain will be very happy I believe. 

~*~*~

****

Tifa G and Raven are standing near the Midgar Zolom's swamp. Kinneas is crying to Casey about getting violated by the cat girl sue thing. Shera is sitting in a chair near the swamp, eyeing the giant snake. Cid has the Highwind hovering nearby, just incase. 

Tifa G: Are you ready?

Raven: Yes I am.

Tifa G: That's great! I'm not going any further in fears that Cid will find it a threat upon his precious Highwind and try to barrel roll it over me.

****

Raven walks out and sits across from Shera, who happily hands her a cup of tea.

Raven: Thank you so much! I'm Raven. First question. I know you are basically the reason for the launch failure but all the same… why do you put up with Cid? Don't get me wrong, I think he's kewl but seriously. He can be an ass!

Shera: Well, Cid puts on a very strong front. In fact he is very caring and sweet. He has been nothing but to nice to me. I think showing his affections in front of other people scares him.

Raven: A can't agree more! As I honestly believe Cid has a thing for you. If he were to admit it and ask you to marry him, would you?

Shera: Although that is a big step, I would marry him. I love him deeply with all my heart.

Raven: How exactly did you meet Cid?

  
Shera: We met when we both worked for Shinra. I was assigned by Shinra to work with him. So our relationship started out as a working one. But after awhile it became much more. 

Raven: **brushes away tears** I can't tell you how sweet that is! Do you have any deep dark secrets? What am I saying, of course you do! Everybody does. What are they?

Shera: Well… Occasionally I slip a little something special into Cid's tea and that really lightens him up. The man can break dance like no other!

Raven: Wow… too much information. Can I have your lab coat?

****

In the distance, Tifa G shudders remembering the whole Hojo lab coat incident. Shera stands up, pulls her lab coat off and helps Raven put it on.

Raven: You rock so hard!!! Okay, if you could have, would you have joined AVALANCHE crew in their journey? I think you would have been an excellent asset to the team.

Shera: Thank you very much. That really means a lot to me. Unfortunately, I do think Cid wouldn't have let me join them. He really is very protective of me. 

****

In response to that, the Highwind lets off a couple of flares. The flares land dangerously close to Tifa G who runs screaming.

Raven: Not to be rude or anything, but exactly how old are you? Say you look pretty young to me.

Shera: I have never received so many compliments before. Thank you very much. I am 29 actually.

Raven: Very nice **snuggles into her new lab coat** SPAM **everybody jumps** is the root of all EEEEEEEVIL. And jello is in league with it. How do you propose we put and end to it?

Shera: Uh? World domination?

Raven: YES! I couldn't agree more! All right, if you could have one super power, what would it be and why?

Shera: I would love to heal. I know Aerith was able to do that to an extent. To help humanity by healing their wounds. That would be a gift I would most cherish.

~*~*~ 

****

Second Impressions

Raven: I really liked Shera even more! Her answers were simply wonderful and she gave me her lab coat! Can't get much better then that!

Shera: Raven was so very nice. I do hope that she enjoys my lab coat. I just washed it for the interview so it is nice and clean.

~*~*~

****

Tifa G and Casey are huddled around Kinneas, who is still sobbing about the cat girl incident.

Kinneas: You didn't see the look in her eyes! She was crazy! And wanted to call me Sylver! She was trying to turn me into a Sue! I just know it! A SUE!!!

Tifa G: There, there. You know we wouldn't have let that happen to you. And if it did we would have become Sue's with you. Can't leave anybody behind.

Casey: Of course not! We three stick together. Except when Rufus and Sephiroth attack, then it's every girl for herself!

Tifa G: Don't worry, I made them happy so they won't be around anytime soon. And don't ask what it was, I don't want to talk about it. Well folks, that's all for Fanatic. Thanks for joining us. Return again soon.

~*~*~

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fatansy VII or anything related to it. I just own myself. Thanks all for waiting so long for the newest chapter. Been rather slow, sorry sorry.


	20. Fanatic: Elena

****

Fanatic: Elena

By: Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~

****

The scene opens to an empty classroom. Casey Crystal and Kinneas are hovering near the back, staring down at the only other occupant. Tifa Gainsborough is slumped over her desk, either asleep or dead.

Kinneas: I'm wagering on dead.

Casey: She may just be. But I doubt she would let Fanatic end until she finished it all. And if she did die, she would just come back as a ghost and finish it.

Kinneas: Then haunt us for letting her die. I can just hear her scolding us for being such bad bodyguards. We are not being paid to guard her from school. Then again, we aren't being paid at all. Not getting paid, then why are we here?

Casey: **looks deep in thought **Because we like her? At least, I think we like her. Is it time we went to check on her?

****

Kinneas and Casey happily skip down the steps, occasionally trying to send the other one flying. Sliding into the row, they sneak up to the slumped over Tifa G. Kinneas and Casey both take a deep breath.

Kinneas and Casey: TIFA G!!!

****

Tifa G bolts into a sitting position.

Tifa G: Diffusion occurs whenever there is some inhomogeneity! What is inhomogeneity? Why the hell aren't you a better professor!

****

Tifa G suddenly realizes that the classroom is empty and Kinneas and Casey are roaring with laughter behind her. Turning in the chair, she gives them an icy glare.

Tifa G: What exactly are you two laughing about? I just happened to be resting my ey- **glances up and sees the camera. Grinning madly, she wipes away some drool. **Well, hello! Welcome to Fanatic! The show that **WON'T** end! I'm serious, it seems to be endless. I really have no idea how other people were able to do this and have the show actually end. It just doesn't seem po-

****

Kinneas, in between laughing, deals Tifa G a swift kick to the back on the leg. Swearing, Tifa G drops to one knee.

Tifa G: OUCH! 

Kinneas: Sorry! Was the only way to make you shut up. Please, do continue.

Tifa G: Thank you. As I was saying, the show that doesn't end. On today's show, because we will actually have somebody interviewing somebody, Angelknight will be interviewing Elena.

Casey: Does that mean you will be finished with the Turks?

Tifa G: **nodding happily **YES! It is about freakin time. I would also like to point out that this request for the interview is over a year old.

Kinneas: Are you serious? **climbs to her feet, finally gaining her composure. **It took you over a year to do her interview?

Tifa G: I'm afraid so. See my faithful viewers have stuck with us. At least, I hope they have stuck with us.

Casey: Can we have new viewers?

Tifa G: Of course! All right ladies, today, Angelknight will be interviewing Elena! **puts her hand in. **Ti!

Casey: Ca!

Kinneas: Ki!

All: TiCaKi! YEAH!

****

The director rolls his eyes at the blatant Final Fantasy X-2 reference.

Tifa G: You want blatant? I can do blatant! **coughs and begins to sing 1000 Words off key **Oh a thousand words, one thousand embraces, will cradle you. Making all of your we-eep!

****

Kinneas and Casey tackle Tifa G, remembering the last experience when their friend tried to sing. From under the pile, Tifa G's hand emerges, waving frantically at the camera.

Tifa G: Fade to black! Fade to black!

****

Scene fades to black.

~*~*~

****

Scene reopens to reveal Tifa G and Casey latched to the train window, watching the scenery of Midgar speed past the window. Kinneas is pestering a random passenger.

Casey: Do you think we can see Rufus' house from here?

Tifa G: Dunno. I hope not. He may be trying to point weapons in our direction from his windows.

Casey: Why would he be doing that?

Tifa G: Because he doesn't like us.

****

Casey suddenly pales and Kinneas groans. Tifa G looks surprised and suddenly finds her face smashed against the window.

Casey: TAKE IT BACK! Rufus loves me! I love Rufus! We are just having a bad moment. TAKE IT BACK OR I KILL YOU!!!

Kinneas: I would do what she says.

  
Tifa G: But it's true. He really doe-AHHH!!!

****

Casey shoves Tifa G's head through the window and glass goes flying. The few people in the car run screaming for the nearest exit. Kinneas makes a half hearted attempt to pull Casey back. A random person wanders up and beings to watch the scene curiously.

Casey: TAKE IT BACK!!! DON'T MAKE ME USE BAD GRAMMAR!!!

Tifa G: All right! I take it back! Pull me back in! PULL ME BACK IN!

****

Casey pulls Tifa G back into the train and through the magic of games she is completely healed. Random person plops down next to Tifa G.

Random Person: Hi! I was told I could find you here.

Tifa G: Oh? Excuse me for not being more enthusiastic. I did just get my head shoved through a window.

Random Person: So I noticed. I'm Angelknight. The director said I could find you here.

Tifa G: Oh? OH! Hi Angelknight! I'm Tifa Gainsborough, as you already know. Welcome to Fanatic! On today's episode you will be interviewing Elena! What? Not excited. Usually people get excited.

Angelknight: I already knew all that. **Gets the evil eye from Tifa G. **I'm excited!

Casey: Me too!

Kinneas: I swear, you both will be the end of me. Don't give me those puppy dog eyes because they don't work on me. But we should fade to black before those puppy dog eyes gather you some fan boys.

Tifa G: I don't have fan boys. I'm not sexy enough for fan boys. I'll never be sexy enough for fan boys! 

Angelknight: Can I do my interview now?

****

Tifa G, Casey and Kinneas both turn and give the girl a funny look.

Angelknight: What?

****

Scene fades to black

~*~*~

****

First Impression

Angelknight: You know, Tseng was actually my first choice. But I suppose Elena will just have to do. Besides, she is a great Turk as well. And you can never go wrong with the Turks.

Elena: Finally! I finally get to be interviewed. Even Rude, who never speaks, was interviewed before me! I do hope I get a nice fan. Nobody like Tseng's though, I don't want to loose a chunk of my hair. I happen to like my hair. 

~*~*~

****

The scene shifts to Goblin Island, to reveal Elena sitting on a blanket on a grassy field. Casey and Kinneas are fighting off random monsters that are trying to get fresh with Elena. Tifa G and Angelknight stand a few feet away.

Tifa G: Are you ready for the interview?

Angelknight: I am. **Notices Tifa G is staring off into a nearby forest** Something wrong?

Tifa G: Uh, no of course not. Go do the interview.

****

Angelknight skips out onto the field and Tifa G begins to stalk the forest. Elena smiles and motions for Angelknight to have a seat.

Elena: Hi! You must be my fan? Correct?

Angelknight: That is correct. How are you today?

Elena: I am doing just fine. Thank you for interviewing me. Questions? 

Angelknight: I do have questions. Did you ever feel left out being the only female Turk?

Elena: Not really. Rude and Reno were always very good at including me in the group. They respected my skills as a Turk. Besides, I could have easily kicked their asses if so inclined. Besides, Tseng thought I good enough to be a Turk and everybody respected that.

Angelknight: That really is a good thing. To be respected, especially by Reno. Do you still have a crush on Tseng?

Elena: **looks away** I will always like Tseng. He was probably the first I ever liked. But most of all, I really respected him as my leader. He was amazing and that really caught my attention. 

Angelknight: Oh I completely agree! Tseng is pretty amazing. If you weren't a Turk, what do you think you'd be doing?

Elena: I'm not entirely sure. Probably would have worked my way up to a desk job in Shinra. I like being a Turk so much better. Gets me out into the field. I think I would just waste away on a desk job, just not a thing for me.

Angelknight: That is a good point. Who is your closest friend in Shinra.

Elena: I know this might surprise some people, but Scarlet. It was easy to relate to her because we were both women in what is normally considered a male position. And she is a very nice person. Having been with Shinra longer then I, she gave me many tips when it came to dealing with the suits of the company.

Angelknight: What ab-

****

Angelknight is cut off by a loud scream emitting from the forest. Tifa G emerges a few second later beating on a very embarrassed looking Cloud.

Tifa G: What the hell were you thinking? You scared me half to death!

Cloud: I just wanted to be in the fic! Stop pummeling me! It hurts!

Angelknight: Okay, that is interesting. As I was saying. What about enemies? Do you have any?

Elena: Most of the time, the Turks gain enemies of the friends and families of people that happen to get on the bad side of a Turk. I have a few enemies. Most can't really do anything to harm me.

Angelknight: Must pay to have powerful friends. Do Reno and Rude get on your nerves? Sometimes? Always?

Elena: At first they really did. But I think I have gained their respect now. They really gave me crap at the beginning, well at least Reno did. Then I gave Reno a black-eye and he shut up real fast.

Angelknight: Way to go Elena! Okay, what do you like to do when you're not killing someone or blowing something up?

Elena: I actually like drawing. It's rather fun to do. But that's all I'm saying on that topic.

Angelknight: Understandable. What is your favorite weapon?

Elena: Well, I don't really have a favorite. A big gun is nice. Hopefully, when an enemy sees a girl with a big gun, they will think they can't handle it. I was trained in all forms of firearms. I could handle a big gun.

Angelknight: Is your hair naturally blonde?

Elena: Yes it is. If it wasn't, I don't see how I could have time to color it. I'm not very vain.

Angelknight: Okay, I ran out of questions so this one might be stupid. What is your favorite fruit and why?

Elena: I suppose a peach would be my favorite. Not really sure why, I like it I suppose. Thank you for the interview.

Angelknight: No! Thank you!

~*~*~ 

****

Second Impression

Angelknight: Wow, I can't believe how nice Elena is. She is very polite and answered all of my questions with interesting answers. It was interesting to hear the way she talked. Really didn't think she would be like that.

Elena: What a wonderful fan! I can't wait to tell Tseng that my fan was better then his fan!

~*~*~

Tifa G: CLOUD! I'm going to kill you! **Resumes beating on him. **I thought you were Sephiroth. Don't scare me like that!

Cloud: I said I was sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. Stop hitting me!

Kinneas: I think this chapter has probably had the most use of CAPLOCKS ever.

Casey: And you had to emphases that why?

****

Kinneas shrugs nonchalantly and plops down on a couch. They just happened to be in the villa at Costa del sol, so Tifa G could beat on Cloud in private. Casey grabs a slip of paper and begins to write something down. She then holds it up for Tifa G to read.

Tifa G: What! Seriously! Yippee! **Stops beating on Cloud and holds him in a big hug**. Cas just informed me, we are almost finished with Fanatic. Although I need one thing of you people. Somebody needs to interview Barret! Please! Tune in next time! For a brand new episode. Don't forget, somebody interview Barret!

~*~*~

****

Standard disclaimer applies. I own nothing, other then myself. Please, I am only taking requests to interview Barret! Just e-mail me!


End file.
